It’s Time To Stop Wearing Birkenstock Sandals Because They’re Awful And You Know It


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It's Time To Stop Wearing Birkenstock Sandals Because They're Awful And You Know It

The Harlem Shake. Angry Birds. Fifty Shades Of Grey. Gangham Style. YOLO. Planking. Shake Weights. Twerking. We’ve seen a lot of weird fads come and go. But few are as bad as the monstrosity that is the Birkenstock sandal.

The shoe’s original intent was probably to aid those who live in warm, coastal regions. That’s the only legitimate excuse I can make as to why they look the way they look. But people today aren’t wearing them to catch some waves or accent their beachy dreads. No, girls today are pairing them with socks, nike shorts, and oversized T-shirts like they’re practically begging for someone to slap a PostIt on their face that says “I have officially given up.”

I mean, do people who wear them even know what they look like? Are they aware that they’re skipping around in shoes that most have dubbed with the nickname “Jesus sandals”? Do they think they’re sending a message? Or are they hoping that this look conveys that they’re carefree when in fact, they’re the kind of people who spend most of their time bitching about their boyfriends to anyone who will listen and end up with Starbucks drinks that are less than 5% coffee.

Like any investigative reporter, I like to fully dissect my subject before I shamelessly rip it apart and condemn all those in support. To better understand this particular issue, I googled it to the best of my ability, and wound up on a website ironically called “Happy Feet.” Happy Feet’s description of the shoe is as follows:

Classic two-strap sandal with fully adjustable straps and a stable, supportive footbed. Available in a variety of colors and materials, some with a classic footbed and some with a soft footbed.

Guys. There is nothing classic about this shoe, and the fact that the word was included in the description twice should tell you that. And what good is a “supportive footbed” when the statement these clonkers make are completely unsupportive in advancing your career options? Unless, of course, your career is selling hemp products out of the back of your van or telling everybody that you’re a vegan.

I just think that we, as a society, are so much better than this shoe implies. We’ve been to the moon, created vaccines that have saved millions, and perfected the technique of getting that perfect contoured cheekbone. Shouldn’t we have moved on by now? Shouldn’t we be able to ditch a footwear that, dare I say it, is even worse than your grandmother’s beloved Crocs?

We can do it. We can rise above the mistakes of our ancestors the pledge classes above us. We can turn a blind eye to grunge trends and instead choose a shoe that reflects the poised women our parents wish that we were. Say it with me: We can stop wearing Birkenstock sandals.

Image via Shutterstock

Lucky Jo is much less medicated than her mother and sister, and she tends to think that’s a good thing. She's the newest full-time addition to the Grandex office, which is probably why they gave her the shittiest desk. In her free time she enjoys scaring small children, judging her peers, and condescendingly talking to GDIs at Starbucks. Follow her on twitter for cat memes and complaints. Email her at

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