“It’s not you, it’s me.”
Is there anything worse than that clichéd line? Sure, in theory it’s saying that “hey, you’re cool. I’m the one with the problem.” But eh. We all know that’s not the case. I mean, the guy you’re dating (or banging) was perfect. He was tall, tan, and had a really big
penis/wallet/suit collection heart. But he decided that it wasn’t going to work out. So it must be you, right?
According to a new study done by Stanford it actually is. Just the news you needed, right?
Basically, Lauren Howe (a psych student getting her PhD) and her professor, Carol Dweck, wanted to see why some people have such a hard time getting over someone, whereas other people can keep going and loving like it wasn’t a big deal.
After studying close to 900 people, the brainy duo discovered some pretty crazy stuff. It turns out, the reason we’re still in love with him, the reason we can’t let him go, and the reason we’re “jaded” in future relationships? Yeah. That shit is all our own faults.
From The Washington Post:
Howe’s research found that people who agreed with this statement — “The kind of person you are is something very basic about you and it can’t be changed much” — were more likely to view past romantic rejections negatively and report that the rejection made them question their own self worth.
Additionally, those who believed the relationship ending was a statement about who they are as a person were more likely to want to suppress the memory and did not view it as a learning experience. When asked to write about their past relationships, the study participants who believed personality is fixed were more likely to say the breakup revealed that they were an individual who is, for example, too sensitive or too needy.
Holding on to past hurt also influenced how optimistic the participants were about future romantic prospects. They worried the personality flaws that ruined their last relationship would impact the next.
But personality is malleable. Even if a person was overly sensitive or needy in a past relationship, there are many outside factors that could have influenced those behaviors.
So basically, if you think you’re the problem, you are the problem. But if, in turn, you look at the relationship for what it was (a learning experience), then you’ll be over him and under someone else faster than you can say “fuckboy.”
The next time someone pulls an “it’s me” card, believe them. Sure, maybe you were a little clingy, and okay. You did snoop through his shit all the time. And you only called him crying every night because you loved him so much. But still, anyone who doesn’t want to be with you is obviously the problem, amiright? What a relief..