Jada Pinkett Smith Ineffectively Refutes Open Marriage Rumors: “Will And I Both Can Do Whatever We Want”

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Nice Move

I love Will Smith. LOVE. I think he’s a great actor. He’s smart, he’s hilarious, and he’s surprisingly humble for having acquired fame at such a young age. Who hasn’t sung every word to The Fresh Prince of Bel Air theme song, mumbled that random verse that only existed for one season, and thanked the high heavens that Will Smith tactfully rapped his way into our lives? I was even able to forgive him for naming his children so cheesily, because they were as precious as he is — also because I’m named after my father and my brother after my mother, so I share his children’s embarrassment on that. I thought Jaden Smith was absolutely adorable on the big screen, though I’m not sure he’s done anything of significance since urbanizing Karate Kid. I thank badass Willow Smith regularly, because I do whip my hair back and forth, and sometimes I even like to sing about it.

Unfortunately, he and his slightly less attractive wife have ruined the illusion for me that a perfect, little celebrity family can exist. In the past, there had been rumors of divorce, but more recently, the rumors are that the two are in an open marriage. I don’t know how something like that can remain a rumor. The truth can easily be found when someone says “I banged Will Smith and Jada Pinkett Smith hasn’t murdered me yet.” No such statement has been made. Still, in a recent interview, Jada addresses the rumors.

“I’ve always told Will, ‘You can do whatever you want as long as you can look at yourself in the mirror and be OK, because at the end of the day, Will is his own man. I’m here as his partner, but he is his own man. He has to decide who he wants to be and that’s not for me to do for him. Or vice versa.”

So…yes? She later clarified her statement.

Do we believe loving someone means owning them?

No, it just means owning their penises, Friday nights, and half of their assets.

Do we believe that ownership is the reason someone should behave?

Working hard to condition a guy to behave a certain way is the reason he should behave.

Do we believe that all the expectations, conditions, and underlying threats of ‘you better act right or else’ keep one honest and true? Do we believe that we can have meaningful relationships with people who have not defined nor live by the integrity of his or her higher self?

I prescribe more to the “happy wife, happy life” (or more relevantly, the “happy slam, happy man”) school of thought than this “honesty and truth” one you speak of, but either way, I think you’re getting a little dramatic.

What of unconditional love?

That is just stupid. To love someone unconditionally means you don’t care about loving yourself. I expect unconditional love, but only because I’m really lovable and really selfish.

Or does love look like, feel like, and operate as enslavement?

Yes.

Here is how I will change my statement…Will and I BOTH can do WHATEVER we want, because we TRUST each other to do so. This does NOT mean we have an open relationship…this means we have a GROWN one.”

Well, if it looks like a duck, and it sounds like a duck….you’re probably fucking other people. Let me explain something, girl. You’re allowed to get pissed if your husband sticks another woman. That’s not outside the realm of normalcy. I once got into a fight with a boyfriend for buying the wrong cheese for our burgers. That is outside the realm of normalcy, but only for guys who know better. There’s not something wrong with women expecting that certain restrictions, particularly those on extramarital relations, will exist. If you’re okay with your husband sleeping with a younger, hotter, sluttier girl who brings HPV into your marriage, then…well, then you’re stupid, but it’s your prerogative, and I shan’t judge you (publicly).

Next time, a simple “No, of course we’re not in an open relationship, you psycho” will probably suffice. It may even get people to believe you.

[via E!]

Image via Associated Press

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Veronica (@VeronicaRuckh) is the Director of Total Sorority Move for Grandex, Inc. After having spent her undergraduate years drinking $4 double LITs on a patio and drunk texting away potential suitors, she managed to graduate with an impressive GPA and an unimpressive engagement ring -- so unimpressive, in fact, some might say it's not there at all. Veronica has since been fulfilling her duties as "America's big," a title she gave to herself with the help of her giant ego. She has recently switched from vodka to wine on weekdays. Email her at veronica@grandex.co

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