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Kim Kardashian’s Fairytale Wedding

Love her or hate her, she’s the queen of reality television, and after all it was a wedding, so you still took four perfectly good hours that could have been spent focusing on yourself to watch Kim’s special day. I think the Kardashians are fab. They’re beautiful, fashionable, and paid to be adored. They might possess some partiality toward dark meat, and there was that brief scandal with Kim’s super-boring sex tape, and the whole OJ thing, but their glamorous lives seem totally appealing. So naturally, I’d been counting down the days until Kim’s fairytale wedding. I laughed, I cried, I judged, I wished I was there, the us (oh the angst I’m caused because I can’t properly abbreviate usual).

If I wasn’t already positive, watching the wedding further reaffirmed that Scott Disick is my absolute favorite man in Hollywood. He’s handsome, successful, funny, and has the best wardrobe I’ve ever seen on a straight guy. He has cleverly tricked the whole Kardashian clan into believing, as he so eloquently put it, that he “actually had to surgically remove [his] penis” to fit in, when in reality, he’s still a huge asshole (just not to them). Kourtney is an absolute idiot for not wanting to marry him, because they’d have the perfect little family, with the perfect husband and the PERFECT little Mason! I fell in love every time he was on screen, and when “Uncle Bob” kissed him I think I died.

Now for the important part…the wedding. It was adorable that the cargo-wearing, no-polo-having (but totally hot) GDI, Kris Humphries thought he was going to have a say in planning it. It’s nice for the man to care a little, but only if he agrees with everything the woman says. I really don’t understand any groom who doesn’t realize that he is lucky to be an incredibly special, honored VIP guest to the bride’s wedding. You don’t get to pick things out like sliders and fair food; this isn’t a 5th birthday party. I was really nervous, but psycho-bitch Kris Jenner put Humphries in his place. Thank God. Unfortunately, she continued to be such a psycho-bitch that she talked Kim out of taking his name, which is incredibly tacky, and it broke my heart when she told him. I tend to think it’s a bad omen. Like you’re not that serious if you don’t take his name, and your marriage is going to end badly…plus it’s just awkward. Strike one against their marriage (not to mention the constant bickering throughout the whole show).

As for the ceremony, I thought it was ok. Disinviting people was the tackiest thing that has ever happened in history to this date, ever, and I was literally appalled. Kim looked beautiful, obv, but she always looks like that. I guess that’s what you get for wearing hooker make-up when you’re sitting around your house. You look a lot less special when it counts. Anyway, I’m really not a fan of black at weddings, and a black cake is just downright unappetizing, especially in the summer. Having the Kardashian “K” logo all over the place…seriously? I’m all about making it about the bride, but in a less obvious way. If you can somehow convince him that he has a say, without really giving him one, then your wedding is a success. The whole wearing three dresses thing was a little much, even if they were custom-designed by wedding gown goddess, Vera Wang. I know a lot of people are into two, and it’s a constant debate in my head. On the one hand, the huge, unforgettable dress I plan to walk down the aisle in WILL be a little difficult to dance in, but I want it to be so fabulous that I never ever want to take it off. Life’s hard. Overall, the whole ordeal was ok. It was just so different from what I would have done, and I thought it was SO weird that the whole wedding party was wearing white. Like hello? Look at the bride. My bridesmaids will be wearing something dark, and not too sexy, because all eyes should be on me, at all times…kinda like always.

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Veronica Ruckh

Veronica (@VeronicaRuckh) is the Director of Total Sorority Move for Grandex, Inc. After having spent her undergraduate years drinking $4 double LITs on a patio and drunk texting away potential suitors, she managed to graduate with an impressive GPA and an unimpressive engagement ring -- so unimpressive, in fact, some might say it's not there at all. Veronica has since been fulfilling her duties as "America's big," a title she gave to herself with the help of her giant ego. She has recently switched from vodka to wine on weekdays. Email her at veronica@grandex.co

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