Kylie Jenner Addresses Boob Job Rumors, Kind Of


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Kylie Jenner is one of the Kardashian brand’s “priority projects” right now. She’s all anyone can talk about, and more adult males have whacked it to her than have even talked to me, which is horrifying, because she’s only 17. There’s been a lot of chatter about all the work she’s had done. Like many teen celebrities (I’m remembering you fondly, Britney), people are endlessly insinuating she had a boob job. And in “the year of the ass,” maybe a butt job too.

Our girl Kylie is putting those rumors to rest.

Ohhhh, of course! You just rubbed lotion on your tits! That’s how they got so big! See, guys? Simple explanation. It makes sense that a lotion to make you fatter would be invented before a lotion to make you thinner, because so many women in this country are trying to gain weight. And if cellulite lotion has taught us anything, it’s that topical solutions to internal problems always work. Not to mention, I can’t even get over this “beauty secret” that she was paid thousands of dollars to reveal.

Her blue eyes do look kind of bomb, though.

DFree /

Veronica (@VeronicaRuckh) is the Director of Total Sorority Move for Grandex, Inc. After having spent her undergraduate years drinking $4 double LITs on a patio and drunk texting away potential suitors, she managed to graduate with an impressive GPA and an unimpressive engagement ring -- so unimpressive, in fact, some might say it's not there at all. Veronica has since been fulfilling her duties as "America's big," a title she gave to herself with the help of her giant ego. She has recently switched from vodka to wine on weekdays. Email her at

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