Let’s Bring Back Arranged Marriages


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Nice Move


There are a lot of things that I’m glad we’ve progressed from over time. We’ve gotten rid of segregation. Praise! Women got the right to vote! Hoorah! Gay marriage is legal! Woohoo! But you know what we also decided we wasn’t cool anymore? Arranged marriages. And yeah, I guess I understand why. People were afraid of not falling in “love” or whatever.

But you know what? You “love” people really screwed it up for the rest of us. Do you realize how easy we had it?! You very literally got your own man with zero effort. And he’s stuck with you for eternity! You could successfully trap a man without reading and dissecting a million dating tips and tricks. Actually, you didn’t even have to date at all! Just picture it. It’s a beautiful world where you can do no wrong. You could text him four times in a row without a care. You wouldn’t have to sneak around the fact that yes, you do in fact poop. You wouldn’t even have to tip toe around acting like the ~cool girl~ who doesn’t care about labels. Because you know you do care.

But what if there’s no attraction? Being stuck with someone that sucks until death do you part sounds like the plot of every terrible Lifetime movie ever. You think that you’re the best judge at picking your own betrothed. I thought that too. But then I looked at my dating history. All duds. All ended. All led me to where I am today: endlessly swiping hoping someone decent pops up eventually.

Realistically, you don’t know what the hell you want. We spend a good chunk of our lives dating, realizing our picks are completely wrong, and then starting all over. It’s an exhausting cycle. Just when you think you’ve caught the right one (LOL), you find out he’s a closeted World Of Warcraft gamer, or something horrifying like that. You know who’s never wrong? Your mother. Mothers are never wrong. They always know what’s best for you. It’s science. I’m down with letting my mom pick me out a suitable man. One less thing I have to worry about.

I hope that one day maybe my grandchildren will live in a world where they won’t have to worry about being haunted by that old guy in the Match.com commercials. They won’t have to read terrible dating advice written by a clueless eighteen-year-old on her blog. They won’t have to worry about texting a guy and if they should’ve sent “haha” instead of “lol.” Let’s start a movement. I’ll start a Facebook page if I have to.

Now excuse me while I go call my mom, I’ve got a wedding dress to pick out.

Image via Shutterstock


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