Life Lessons I Learned From Clueless

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Nice Move

As the new school year approaches, are you feeling older than ever? Here’s another reason to feel ancient. Eighteen years ago, one of the greatest cinematic masterpieces of all times was born. That’s right, Clueless is legal. If Clueless were a person, she’d be going through recruitment this year, and she would totally get a bid.

Every sorority girl’s favorite movie is either Clueless or Mean Girls, depending on her age. It’s science. How do I know, you wonder, as you totally pause. No, it’s not because I have ESP(N). It’s because everything about Clueless is perfection. From the soundtrack (which I had on cassette — that’s right, cassette), to the chic adult version of your Limited Too wardrobe (minus the puppy shirts), to the perfect happy ending there’s no doubt you were constantly rewinding this movie on VHS.

While Clueless may have given me vaguely unrealistic expectations of high school (no one dresses that well), and life (where’s my Josh?), everything else is spot-on. Cher’s the embodiment of the ideal sorority girl. She’s pretty and popular, but she’s also totally philanthropic when you think about it, even if it is just to win a boy over, at first — but hey, let’s be honest, we’ve all done crazy stuff to impress a guy. Behind her perfect ensembles generated by her robo-closet, she’s sweet, funny, and self-deprecating.

If you can’t recite Clueless word for word, you should probably turn in your sorority pin. Clueless taught me almost as many life lessons as my big has. Here are some of the most telling words of wisdom, from a movie that knows what it’s talking about, since it just turned 18.

Words more cutting than these have never been spoken. “You’re a virgin who can’t drive.” Damn. Tai’s sheer evilness in this moment is rivaled only by that of a recruitment chair gone rouge, but Cher is able to come back from her friend’s hurtful retort. She reminds us it’s better not to hold a grudge, which can be hard to remember when taking on your favorite frenemy.


Cher taught us that sometimes you get down on yourself, and it’s totally okay, because your smoking hot stepbrother still wants you, and that’s what matters…in a totally not-creepy not-incestuous way, of course. After all, there are few men on Earth who compare to the perfection that is young Paul Rudd.


Whether you see your ex-hookup’s latest disaster or that almost-cute PNM, there’s no better way to insult someone than to compare them to an old school painting. Plus, have you ever known something to be more true about your enemies?


Cher taught her loyal followers (us) exactly how to flirt. While her gaydar may have been way off (though surprisingly understandable and inspirational), her lessons are incredibly useful to this day.


One of the most important lessons in Clueless is that it’s totally acceptable to be ridiculously picky about what goes in your orifices. You’re already incredibly picky about everything else, including what goes on your feet. Why compromise? No one wants to be that thirsty girl who settles for anyone who so much as looks at her, because there’s nothing cute about that. She might as well be rocking Payless pumps.


Sing it, sister.


This is exactly how I feel when most boys try to communicate with me.


Cher

Replace “high school” with “fraternity party” and we’ve all been there. You’re preaching to the choir.


Who hasn’t used this excuse to get out of giving dome?


Rolling with the homies!


The most fabulous description of a gay man of all time. While I may not have gotten it the first hundred times I saw Clueless (like most of the jokes, truthfully), now that it’s out on Netflix, I totally do.


Clueless realistically depicts female friendships, which most movies don’t even come close to doing — usually there’s the stunning lead and the hideous bestie she dumps on, or friends who wouldn’t say shit even if they had a mouthful. Clueless showed that while female friendships can sometimes be catty, and even cruel, it’s all in good fun, and at the end of the day, your girlfriends are always there for you, no questions asked.

Everyone loves a happy ending.


Cher was everything. She gave us all the ultimate advice on how to be cool. Her Valley girl ways influenced our entire generation. Whether you’re saying “whatever,” or “way harsh,” it’s because she said it first. She was the OG sorority girl — sipping Starbucks, being totally philanthropic, fretting over her not-boyfriend, and being the most amazing fictional character in history, duh.

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