My colleague, Dillon “Roger Dorn” Cheverere received an email yesterday from a fan of the site looking for advice. It started off simply enough with the sender telling him to go fuck himself, as is customary in any interaction with Dorn. I’ve been working with him for four years, and it’s still my greeting to him every morning.
The sender wanted to know about some “insane bitch,” a title I can happily say has been given to me by many a suitor. I generally pay dudes no mind when they call girls crazy, because 1) crazy bitches are funny, and 2) guys are idiots. I thought to myself “What did she do? Save her fingerprint in your phone so she had unlimited access to all your shit, no matter how many times you changed the password?” Please. If that’s insane, then lock me up, and throw away the key.
But what followed was a story so wonderful, that “Insane Bitch” doesn’t do her justice. No, she’s the Psycho Queen, and when I say my bedtime prayers every night, I’m going to need to start praying to her. Read the whole thing. It’s worth it.
Too long dont want to read: Hot chick wants to fuck me. I fuck. I refuse to eat her out. She assaults me and then shoves my toothbrush up her cooter.
Hey Dorn fuck you whatever you know the drill. And let me also say that ive used this vaugue email adress to ensure complete anonimity because i legit dont knowbwhat this bitch is capable of.
So anyway me and this girl were at a pregame and she is a total smokeshow, like really hot (9/10). As we were drinking she was acting like she was into me and i was spittin mad game and got her number. So as everyone left for the bars our groups got split up somehow and at the bar i ran back into her with her on again off again boyfriend. I was bummed but wasnt sweating it too much as it was my boys 21st and we were getting fairly beligerent. The night went as smoothly as youd expect and that is where the story should end.
However it is not. A week later there was a home football game and so we tailgated and everything and then per usual we went to watch our dumpster fire of a football team get butt raped. As i was making my way out at halftime i got a text. “Wat u don” (exact spelling) From that chick I mentioned earlier. I was pumped so i of course i arrainged that i come over. When i got there she had a crazed look in her eye and immediatly led me to her room and removed her pants. What awaited me in her neather region was the last thing i expected. A bush. And not just any bush. Like a never been trimmed or shaved in all of her 20 years bush. I was shocked but i still did my best with the 5 inch thunder frock. After we departed from pound town i thought that was the end of it and i started to get dressed. But then she said “i didnt finish”….ouch. I still wasnt that concerned and my inebriated self simply said “uhhh sorry”. She pulled me back into bed and we reboarded the train to pound town.
Thats when she said “eat me out” and pushed my head down toward the pit of snakes that was her bush. Now i hate eating pussy. If i wanted to like raw fish drenched in sweat i would scrape the floor of a discount sushi resturant and go to town. But add hair to the mix and I begin to panic and just say “i dont know how” thats when she called me a pussy and told me to just lick it. This is when i realized that I was fucked. She pulled me back up to her and started to make out with me and then bit my lip so hard it started to bleed and sucked/bit my neck like a goddamn vampire or something. I was now officially in crisis mode and i needed to get out of this place. She then basically pushed me up against the wall and started fingering herself in front of me.
I seriously had no idea what was going on at this point all i knew is that i was butt naked in a strange place with a lunatic sorority girl flicking her bean before my terrified eyes. While my lips were gushing blood. This went on for what seemed like hours until she fell asleep. Again this is where the story should end.
It is not. As i quietly fumbled for my clothes careful not to wake the crazed sex beast sleeping inches away I was finally fully dressed and i dropped a pin called a pledge and hauled ass out of there. I got home and realized that i left my wallet at that chicks house. FUCK. So she texted me the next day “hey i had fun last night but i have your wallet can i bring it to you?” blah blah blah she brought my wallet over with one of her friends and then went to the bathroom and left. I then learned that she had went to my bathroom and stuck my toothbrush up her hairy ham wallet because she was so pissed i wouldnt eat her out. I used that tooth brush for like a month before her freind snitched on her.
I guess my question is has anyone ever experienced somethimg so insane? Is this run of the mill for crazy bitches. Ask around the office because i think im legit traumatized.
It’s so much better than if she just drunkenly got mad and masturbated with his toothbrush, which is truthfully where I thought the story was going. But that could have easily been written off as model blackout behavior. Homegirl woke up the next day and had time to plot her revenge. And then she exacted it every day twice a day over the course of one month.
If I’m being honest, neither party is innocent here. There are two villains in this story. I’ve been saying for awhile that some *tasteful* (no pun intended) snatch hair is about to be in vogue. But you can’t go full bush. You never go full bush. On the other hand, I fully support any and all crusaders in the fight against men who refuse to go downtown. Should she have shaved? Yes. But I think our emailer had what was coming to him. It sounds like he’s the kind of guy who doesn’t generally reciprocate anyway, and frankly, that should be illegal, and he needed to be punished.
So to answer your question, dude, has anyone experienced something so insane? Probably not. But at the end of the day, I have to respect the move..
Image via Shutterstock
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Veronica Ruckh
Veronica (@VeronicaRuckh) is the Director of Total Sorority Move for Grandex, Inc. After having spent her undergraduate years drinking $4 double LITs on a patio and drunk texting away potential suitors, she managed to graduate with an impressive GPA and an unimpressive engagement ring -- so unimpressive, in fact, some might say it's not there at all. Veronica has since been fulfilling her duties as "America's big," a title she gave to herself with the help of her giant ego. She has recently switched from vodka to wine on weekdays. Email her at [email protected]
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