Mailbag: Did I Cheat On My Boyfriend If I Hooked Up With Another Girl?


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Kissing Girls

We got a mailbag in this week and it’s a doozy. This girl wants to know if it counts as cheating, if she hooked up with another girl. While I can tell you with one hundred percent certainty that if my boyfriend slept with another man, I’d lose my mind and live forever in agony, somehow, this feels a little different.

This is a forreal question: if I hooked up with a girl, and I have a boyfriend, is it considered cheating?

Like, I’ve never hooked up with a girl nor have I ever wanted to. I’m strictly dickly and I have 0 attraction to girls. I’ve been with my bf for about a year and a half and I’m crazy about him. Basically, I hooked up with a girl— for an unknown reason. Weirder part? It was my best guy friend’s (basically my big bro) girlfriend. We were both hammered and on some other kind of shit. The last thing I remember is her grabbing my hand, taking me to the bar, and getting me free drinks from the bartender. I had a “black out bucket” and that was where my dignity went out the window. All I remember is bits and pieces of us being in a bathtub and then the bedroom. Naked. And I’m almost positive we did more than kiss. I think I touched my first vagina that wasn’t mine. *cringes* it was some straight lesbo shit.

That entire night I didn’t reply to my boyfriends texts or snaps. I told him I was too drunk to even operate my phone (which was true)– but I did leave out the part where I was busy doing something else. All my friends and even my guy friend thought it was hilarious– but will my boyfriend? He already tells me i need to stop getting fucked up because I do stupid shit all the time. I don’t want to tell him because I don’t want him to think I’d do other shit behind his back too. He worries a lot about me because I’m a hot ass mess.

I kissed (fucked) a girl, and I don’t think I liked it. It was kinda weird honestly. Me and the girl just laughed the next morning and now we’re good friends. Should I be worried about cheating? Is it anything I need to feel bad about?

Is it cheating? I’m inclined to say yes, mainly because it’s behind his back. When you enter a relationship with someone, you’re pretty much agreeing not to have sex with anyone else, not to be naked with anyone else, and not to even be making out with anyone else and who that person is really doesn’t change the rules. I polled the office on this, actually, and all the guys, while they’d feel varying degrees of anger if this happened to them, agreed it was cheating.

I know you think the girl-on-girl thing feels a little different because what guy doesn’t want to see his girlfriend make out with another girl? But that’s just it — they want to see it. They want to be involved somehow. They want to parlay it into a threesome. Keeping this behind closed doors and THEN not telling him about it? That sounds like cheating to me and I think the fact that you’re afraid to tell him means you already knew the answer.

Now for the other two questions that I think you’re asking without really asking — should you tell him and will he be mad about it?

I’ve gone back and forth on whether you should tell your boyfriend or girlfriend you cheated in situations like this a hundred times. On the one hand, it was a one-time thing. You didn’t really want to do it, you didn’t purposefully set out to do it, you didn’t like it, and you don’t want to do it again. Sometimes, I think in these situations, the only thing that comes from telling the other person is that you get to absolve your own guilt. Would it really have been the end of the world if Steve never told Miranda? They ended up together anyway, but it would have saved Miranda (and Brady) a whole lot of heartbreak if she never knew. The only benefit is that Steve didn’t have to torture himself every day knowing what he’d done — but maybe he deserved to be tortured.

On the other hand, there’s something to be said for honesty. Keeping it to yourself could be your way to punish yourself via guilt if you could guarantee no one would ever find out about it. But if he finds out from someone else? That’s bad. That’s real bad. And in this situation, it sounds like a risk you probably don’t want to take. The other girl has a boyfriend too — she’s playing the same game, and she very well might tell her boyfriend, who might very well tell yours. It sounds like a lot of people already know about this, so in your case, I think every moment you don’t tell him is a moment for potential disaster. The longer you’re keeping this from him, the worse it will be.

And will he be mad? It depends what kind of guy he is, honestly. He will certainly be less mad than if you’d been with another dude and I don’t think this will end your relationship, but he probably won’t like the idea of someone else touching you, you know, sexually. Even the most sexually liberal guys in the office said they wouldn’t be furious, but they wouldn’t love this. One guy said this happened to him, he appreciated her honesty, but asked her not to do it again. They continued dating after.

And to give you a little extra insight:

Is it cheating if you hook up with another girl?

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Good luck. You’re going to be okay.

Veronica (@VeronicaRuckh) is the Director of Total Sorority Move for Grandex, Inc. After having spent her undergraduate years drinking $4 double LITs on a patio and drunk texting away potential suitors, she managed to graduate with an impressive GPA and an unimpressive engagement ring -- so unimpressive, in fact, some might say it's not there at all. Veronica has since been fulfilling her duties as "America's big," a title she gave to herself with the help of her giant ego. She has recently switched from vodka to wine on weekdays. Email her at

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