Miley is in Trouble

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In case you decided to abandon your sorority house and live under a rock this summer and weren’t already aware, Miley Cyrus is engaged to her incredibly hot, incredibly Australian, actor boyfriend Liam Hemsworth (aka Gale). Miley has also been hitting the pilates studio HARD lately, presumably getting herself wedding gown ready, and has never looked hotter.

At first glance, it seems as though everything is perfect for Miley right now. She has a rocking body, a 3.5 carat Neil Lane sparkler, and the sexiest man alive. However, I’m absolutely positive her entire life is falling apart right now, whether or not she realizes it yet.

Allow me to elaborate. I truly feel that this is an excellent starter marriage for the two of them. The interesting aspect of the Miley/Liam dynamic is when the two met, Miley was at the height of her fame. She was just coming out of her multi-billion dollar Hannah Montana franchise, and was beginning to branch out as an adult performer. Liam Hemsworth was a virtually unkown Australian with incredible abs. As Miley was newly single after Nick Jonas broke up with her (which she still apparently isn’t over, but I’ll get to that), it was only so fitting that she would hit it off with her co-star. At the beginning of the relationship, Liam did a great job of being Miley’s arm candy. In a recent turn of events, the tables have turned. Miley’s most recent movie, LOL literally flopped at the box office. Did you see it? Nobody did. Like. Literally. No one. Liam, on the other hand, is getting more and more famous by the day. The Hunger Games absolutely smashed (duh), and he’s obviously signed on for the other two, and possibly three (there’s talk of splitting Mockingjay into two films), franchise installments. He’s been getting more offers for movie roles than he knows what to do with. He’s currently working on Empire State with Emma Roberts, and has been cast alongside Harrison Ford in the upcoming Paranoia. What has Miley been up to? Instagram-ing pictures of herself with her dog, and visiting Liam on set.

If you’ll kindly past recall the article written by my esteemed colleague, Hot Piece, it’s important for females to recognize the rule that if you hook UP but date DOWN, you are ensuring yourself a stable relationship. I think that the Miley/Liam fame scale has tipped greatly. Miley is sadly, slowly, becoming a has-been child star, and will soon become the arm candy of the famous Liam Hemsworth.

Not only is this lack of power enough to drive a girl crazy, but I think it’s important to realize Miley is doomed for a far more pressing reason: she’s 19.

I’m sorry, but who the hell is ready to get MARRIED at 19? At 19, the only ring I was worried about was the silver one with my sorority letters I received as a gift from my mom for initiation. I’m all for young love, and I think it was smart for Miley to land Liam before he realizes he’s destined for bigger things, but, come on. 19?! This means that Miley will have to spend the years that are literally the most fun of her life under the tyrannical rule of engaged/married life. Miley’s 21st birthday will probably become some subdued dinner celebration instead of a raucous night out with her girlfriends (hi, shot books? Forcing your little to find a fake ID to accompany you to the bars? The night your big and grand big refused to miss? Yeah, not for Miley). Miley has made too much of a point to prove how grown up and mature she is – why doesn’t she realize that being young is the best part of life, and once it’s gone, you can’t get it back? You have the rest of your life to be grown up, you have right now to be fun, Miley. Trust me.

My prediction: five to seven years from now, Miley will take a long hard look at her life and her decisions. I envision her drinking a pricey, vintage vitner’s blend straight from the bottle while watching repeats of Hannah Montana, realizing that she might have let what could have become of her career be overshadowed by her husband’s success. She’ll take a look at the shelf on the wall, which houses all of Liam’s accolades, and realize that she made a huge mistake by marrying so soon and forcing herself to grow up. Hopefully she’ll realize that all of her tattoos are really stupid, too, but I can’t guarantee it. She’ll call her mother/manager scenario and cry, only to realize that she and Liam have outgrown each other, as most people change drastically from the time they are 19 to the age of 24.

I’m pretty sure Miley will be divorced by her 25th birthday, and all she’ll have to show for it is an awesome body, whereas Liam will probably channel Ryan Reynolds and pull a post-Scarlet Blake Lively scenario.

I’m praying for you, girl.

Follow me on twitter: @PearlsHiltonTSM

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