Last night, I was watching a bad Christmas movie on ABC Family called “Christmas Every Day” starring 90’s dreamboat Erik von Detten. I don’t think he was ever actually a huge deal, but I thought he was an absolute hunk. As I sat watching the predictable plot unfold before me, I couldn’t help but notice that Erik von Detten was actually not that cute, and I really don’t think I came to this conclusion just because I’m eight years older than the actor was in 1996. I was so distracted by von Detten’s perfectly coiffed mushroom cut, which was a known panty-dropper back in third grade, that I hardly noticed that beneath his hair was a skinny, unimpressive, D-list actor. He was decent-looking, but it was the mushroom cut that really got me going. This became more and more evident to me as I thought back to my other childhood crushes. I was totally putting my energy into the wrong guys, like…all the time.
Saved By The Bell
Like most little girls of the 90’s, I had an undying love for Zack Morris. He was rich, had a giant cell phone, and even while he was being heckled, they still called him “pretty boy” and “preppy.” He was obviously supposed to be the better choice, and I spent most of my childhood wishing I was Kelly Kapowski. However, I’m looking back now, and it really should have been A.C. Slater. I know, I know, he had that Chia pet hair, but I didn’t even notice him! And why not? He has the face of an angel, his adorable dimples are the biggest I’ve ever seen, and hello…his muscles. I don’t think that boy was ever fully clothed and his everyday attire was pretty inappropriate for high school. I guess I was just too young to realize that Zack was some skinny boy who’d never pique my interest in adulthood, and Slater was HOT despite the fact that the wooooo track always sounded when he entered the room. And let’s not forget that Mario Lopez hasn’t aged a day, but Mark Paul Gosselaar…has.
Boy Meets World
Again, I was influenced by that stupid hair, paired with his “way with the ladies” given to him by the show’s writers. Shawn Hunter was my man on Boy Meets World. My love for him was only furthered during the episode he dressed as a girl, for reasons that escape me, and chose the name “Veronica” for the day. Good choice, Shawny boy. I was so infatuated that I didn’t notice the real sex symbol, or grammar school equivalent of the show’s early years: Cory’s older brother, Eric. He was good-looking, hilarious, didn’t live in a trailer. He even sported that same 90’s haircut I liked so much. I don’t know how I didn’t see it sooner. It was poor judgment then, but I know I’ll keep an eye out for Uncle Eric, when Girl Meets World airs.
Personally, I was more of an N’SYNC fan. Actually, I was more like “eff them all, I just like the Spice Girls,” but I had friends of all allegiances and was happy to fawn over any teen heartthrobs, as long as it wasn’t the Hansen Brothers. Woof. True to form, when it came to BSB, my adoration was for the mushroom-cut-yielding manboy, Nick Carter, when really it should have been for ANYONE else. There was some weird grooming going on in their clan, but if I’d been able to see past it, literally every single one of those guys is more attractive than Nick is. I want to say that now, Howie is probably the most attractive in a normal, not too effeminate, not too secret serial killer-looking way. It’s totally ironic because I distinctly remember having a “Who would pick Howie?” conversation in the third grade. However, back in the 90’s, the clear choice was Brian. He had a chiseled jaw, and bright blue eyes. It was obvious. Props to the girls who made the right choice on this one, because I know you’re out there.
Brotherly Love – The Lawrence Brothers
Obviously Andy Lawrence, the only one who was actually my age, was way too young for me to be into, and I didn’t feel the slightest attraction toward him. The heartthrobs of the trio were Matt (the middle brother) and Joey (the oldest). I’ll thank the mushroom cut, once more, because rather than the muscle-laden, gorgeous, god-like figure, Joey, who’s now apparently a washed-up Chippendale, (actually, he’s still attractive in a “why are you ruining this for me with this stupid get-up?” kind of way), I preferred the bushy-browed, flannel-shirted, Matthew Lawrence. I was wrong. Very wrong.
I had a big crush on Simon, as he was the obvious choice, mainly because he was the only viable option. However, my girl crush on this show was an absolute joke, and I guess I don’t even have a mushroom cut as a scape-goat here. I adored Lucy. I thought Beverly Mitchell was soooo gorgeous. She was okay, I suppose, definitely got less cute as she got older, but I neglected to realize her older sister Mary was played by Jessica Biel. HOW COULD I CHOOSE BEVERLY MITCHELL OVER JESSICA BIEL. Maybe it was the fact that Mary played basketball? Maybe I was distracted by the awful center-part, hair-tucked-behind-the-ears situation, but all I have to say is thank the seven heavens I wasn’t the one predicting which actress would make it big after her run on the super Christian, super predictable, super awesome children’s sitcom, because if I was, we’d have this to be staring at in a bra and panties on the big screen.
While I was very, very wrong when it came to a lot of my childhood crushes, there were some, I’d like to remind you of, that I got just right.