At the dawn of time, Craigslist pioneered its “Missed Connections” section, where lonely losers and hopeless romantics from across the globe could toss their message in a bottle out to the corners of the internet in hopes of finding the stranger they were too afraid to talk to in person. It’s a chance to reach out with absolutely zero fear of rejection. What could be better? Nothing. Except perhaps making the connection instead of missing it, nothing. But since most of college is a drunken haze of forgotten names and blurry faces, I say we are in desperate need.
I saw you leaving the Zeta house with a pack of girls that I’m presuming were your sisters. They were all skinny, blonde, and pretty, but you were easily the cutest one. You were likely the family matriarch, lovingly called the GG, as the rest of the crew hung onto your every word. You bored them with an in-depth discussion about your new Erin Condren planner, because “like, it’s so much better than the Lilly planner. I can’t believe people even still buy Lilly planners” and your minions promptly added a note to their rose gold iPhones to purchase one for the new year. I would love to take you out to dinner and listen to you talk more about things that I don’t understand or care about. I was the tall guy in the backwards Yankees baseball hat and Comfort Colors long sleeve that laughed and shook his head as you and your friends walked by with your Starbucks.
You were walking out of the business building this afternoon, and I conveniently and not at all purposely walked behind you all the way to Greek Row. I didn’t see your face, but the back of your head told me you would not disappoint. Judging from your I-could-run-my-fingers-through-it hair, conditioner is pretty high on your priority list. You had on the cutest pair of dark wash jeans with dark brown Sperrys, and they looked perfect with that red thermal and Patagonia fleece vest. You looked like you stepped straight out of the pages of a Brooks Brothers catalogue, and/or every single fraternity house on campus. Actually, never mind. I just described the entire penis-having population of Greek Row. Whatever, you were probably a fuck boy anyway.
Omg. You were literally the cutest dog I have ever seen on planet Earth. Like, beyond cuter than anything I’ve even seen on the ten different French bulldog accounts I follow on Instagram. I need you in my life, little babe! I saw you at the humane society while I was volunteering last Tuesday, and I haven’t been able to stop thinking about you since. I currently live in my sorority house, so I have been brainstorming with my sisters how I can possibly sneak you past the president. You kind of farted a little when I was petting you, so I’m mildly worried you might stink up the house, but don’t worry, pup, I’m going to find a way to rescue you! Is it okay if I call you Scooter? You looked like a total Scooter. Kisses!
I noticed you standing with a group of guys outside of o-chem, clearly flustered. I’m assuming that you’re a pledge, because everyone around you was calling you “Pledge,” and I’m pretty intuitive. You also kind of look like you belong in high school. Whatever. I just broke up with my boyfriend, so my usual access to pledges has been temporarily revoked, and I really need some help. Usually, I have at least one pledge at my disposal to sober drive my sisters and me from the pregame to the bars, help me with my homework (I’m also in o-chem, how convenient!), and just do other pledge stuff. Idk. Anyway, I’ll totally set you up with our freshmen on some date functions this semester if you want to help a girl out. Thanks!!!
Dude, I saw you playing a game of pick-up at the gym on Saturday and want to know if you’re on an Intramural team yet? Not to brag, but my fraternity’s team has won first place in the league four years in a row. The only problem is that Josh’s brother graduated last spring, and we could really use a new point guard who can nail that rocker step like you do. You were wearing an Odom jersey, so I know you’re good people and probably fucking hate the Kardashians. We’re starting practice next week, so come through if you’re down. 8pm on court 5..