Move Over Tinder, There’s A New Hookup App And It’s Making Sex MUCH Kinkier

You read the books. You saw the movie. You’ve thought about doing it a few times while you were fiddling with your shower head or in bed with your favorite vibrating toy. BDSM: bondage and discipline, sadism and masochism. You know, “Fifty Shades” shit.

Sure, some people are against the whole concept, but despite how the scenario was portrayed in some fan-fiction, BDSM is a real thing that a lot of people find enjoyable. If you’re actually interested in trying it out, there’s no shame, but there is most likely a lot of confusion. I mean, how do you go from sitting in bed with sweatpants on to being tied up and discussing safe words?

A little app known as Whiplr.

Thanks to my inability to accomplish anything ever, I stumbled upon this little piece of sexual wonder as I was browsing the internet. Don’t ask what I was googling, just accept the fact that I ended up on BroBible’s website reading an article about a hookup app for slightly more adventurous people.

According to iTunes this app is used to:

Connect with people who share your fetishes and kinks (such as for fashion, accessories, sounds, etc.) discreetly and anonymously with Whiplr. Chat, send photos or video-chat securely – all in one user-friendly app. Download today and embark on your personal “Fifty Shades of Grey” journey!

Naturally, I signed up immediately.

First, you set up a very ordinary looking profile page. It asked me to upload a picture (which I tried to bypass, BUT YOU CAN’T). Then I was told to enter my “nickname.” Since “Sugar Tits” was taken, I went with the ever popular “Glen Coco.”

Next, it asked me to give a percentage of how much I’m into men. It didn’t ask if I was gay, straight, bi, or whatever else there is. And honestly, this threw me off. Granted, I go for men, despite what all of the commenters say. But I’m also happily in a relationship, so it’s not like I wanted to get down with the kink with a whole bunch of weird guys. I figured I’d say 50 percent on my male interest level, so I could get a wide variety of ~~people to fuck with~~ potential playmates.

Next was date of birth, which I lied about. Not because I’m too young (LOL at being twenty-three) but because I’m not exactly looking for a birthday card from a whole bunch of leather-clad internet friends.

The app then asked for my safe word. This has been a question I have been waiting for for my entire life. Literally. Well, okay, not literally. But, you know, I’ve thought about it. What’s my safe word? Pineapples. Why? Please see below.

Last but not least, it asked me to “tell the world about who I am.” Uh…what do you tell a world full of BDSM folks to seem cool? I had no idea. I’m going to be honest. I panicked. And I only had sixty characters. So what did I put?

“Is it cool if my cat watches?”

I DON’T EVEN HAVE A CAT. But it’s the best I could come up with. Plan ahead, that’s all I can say. After you make everyone think you’re a sex goddess, you have to fill out answers to questions such as:

Do you have a partner?
What are your kinks?
What is your preferred role?
Weight/height/body type (LOL no)?
What are you here for?

Yeah. It’s a lot to take in. Halfway through the sign-up process I got distracted by food, and by the time I came back to the app, I had twenty-six messages from thirsty, kinky people. I mean, I can’t help that I’m so popular (aaaand cue hair flip emoji girl). So what do I do? I ask them all the same copy and paste question: “What kind of kinky stuff are you into?” Why would I do this if I wasn’t planning on hooking up with these people, you wonder? Because it’s fun. Want to know some of the best answers? Of course you do, you dirty, dirty girl.

I’m into anything and everything, and yes. Your cat can watch.
Translation: I have literally never done BDSM, but I want to seem cool and open-minded.
Men and women who wear pigtails.
Translation: I’m into teaching people a lesson, or assigning homework. Be prepared for a pop quiz. On a PENIS.
Pegging.
Translation: I don’t know, and I’m too scared to google it.
They call me “curious Kevin” for a reason.
Translation: I have no friends to call me “curious Kevin.”
Whatever pleases me.
Translation: “Mr. Grey will see you now.”
I’m not sure I could handle your cat watching. Sorry.
Translation: Pussy.

So, folks, there you have it. If this sounds like something that would tickle your bored-of-Tinder pickle, sign up! In the meantime, I think I’ll delete my account and stick to what I know best: playing with my imaginary cat and stalking people I hate on social media..

[via Brobible, iTunes]

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