I started out my dating life as a very shy person. Sex scared me. It also didn’t help that I’m an Italian-American woman whose mother never taught her that you *need* to keep your bikini area trim. So, it shouldn’t surprise anyone that I spent most of my weekends in high school fervently posting on the Harry Potter message boards. Boys were just not really on my mind. And if they were, my generalized anxiety disorder was there to scare me back into my bedroom. Alone.
It wasn’t until the tail end of college, basically a week before graduation, that I started actually dating. I joined OkCupid and thought my post-grad life would be very exciting. Boys would take me on dates and pull out chairs for me and I would live happily ever after. Obviously, that was not the case. One guy told me he was moving to Virginia so we could never see each other again. I ran into him on a date with another girl at my favorite bar two weeks later. Another time, I went on a date with a guy who didn’t tell me he was totally deaf until I actually picked him up. He lived with his parents and made most of his money posting fetish videos on a porn site. He wouldn’t disclose to me which one.
I went on dates that were mostly disasters for a long time. And not just regular people bad, but like Kristen Wiig from Bridesmaids bad. I was twenty-one and a virgin and I just wanted to get it over with. I ended up losing my virginity to a handsome young fellow who I thought would be the love of my life. He owned two cats and loved pizza. He seduced me during the movie Aliens and never called me back again. I found his nudes on a “sex4cash” website a week later. The only good thing about this is I got to show my friends, who didn’t believe me when I said it was too big. They thought I was just being virginal. Joke’s on them. Just kidding, the joke is still on me.
Finally, after about a year of searching, I settled down with a nerdy aspiring stand-up comedian. He weighed seventy pounds when wet and chewed like a cow but he was nice to me, so I let him stick around. It was my first “real” relationship, and I probably couldn’t have picked anyone worse for the job. Unfortunately, he wasn’t the cool trendy nerd that’s hip to be these days. He played Magic the Gathering (just about the nerdiest game ever invented) and he definitely had never kissed a girl. Which means he definitely never kissed a girl down there. I gingerly took his virginity, which involved a lot of lying on top of me and wriggling around. After that, it was pretty much up to me to teach him the ropes, which is one hell of a responsibility considering I didn’t know anything about the ropes myself.
After a few months, I was ready to teach him the beauties of giving oral. I had gone down on him many times, and I didn’t mind that he didn’t return the favor…at first. I remembered how nervous I was when I had to give head for the first time, which also happened to be the night I lost my virginity. I didn’t want to mess him up. So I let him go slow. One day, I plucked up the courage to ask him to go down on me. And he flat out refused. His reply:
“Ugh, but that is so gross.”
Which is not at all the thing any girl wants to hear about her vagina. I was infuriated, embarrassed, and appalled by his response, especially because for months now I was putting his ridiculously small member in my mouth. It was my turn to get mine. The worst part is, you can’t force anyone to do anything they want. Okay, that’s not really the worst part. I didn’t mind not sexually assaulting him. But at the same time, I wanted him to want to do it. He once offered to put Saran Wrap over my vag so he couldn’t taste it, but that was ruder than just not doing it at all. He was hands down the worst boyfriend and probably just the worst guy of all time. Worse than surprise deaf guy, worse than the guy with the kitties who took my kitty. Okay, not really, but he should have eaten my box. He should have at least had a bite.
And I dated him for two years. Two whole years he didn’t put a finger or a lip or a tongue on my downstairs. He never made me come. And it was partially my fault for not being more vocal about my disdain. Our relationship became boring. We had the same (bad) sex for years until I started having dreams where someone else was going down on me. That’s when I realized it was time to call it quits. Which I realize now, was far too late. Now, I’m with someone who goes down on me all the time. He doesn’t think any parts of my body are gross and he is ultimately the best lay I’ve ever had. So ladies, promise me you’ll vocalize when a guy is not pleasing you the right way. Don’t learn way too late like I did. And men? Eat. That. Box. We earned it..
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