Everyone has an awkward sex story. Most center around a noise that shouldn’t be heard or a guest who wasn’t invited to witness the action. But out of all the sex stories I’ve heard whispered at sleepovers, this one is certainly the most unique.
On this rare occasion, I had my parents’ house to myself. I was on a break from school and had decided to invite over the guy I was seeing at the time. He was more than just a hookup, so sex wasn’t necessarily on the agenda. However, I made sure I was prepared if the mood presented itself. I wore my favorite lingerie, made sure the beds were ready, and groomed my downstairs region. Even with all of my preparation, nothing could truly prepare me for what was I was about to experience.
As he knocked on the door, I did a quick double check. Yes, my hair was outstanding. My makeup was acceptable. I had basically perfected the looking-good-but-not-trying-too-hard facade. And there was no possible way my parents would catch us in the act. So I swung open the door with an air of confidence, ready for whatever came my way. My eight-pound dog, also the love of my life, began yapping at him immediately, but I quickly shooed her away. I wasn’t going to let a little furball ruin the events proceeding. So I led my guy to the living room.
We ended up in a weird cuddling position on the couch in an awkward attempt to watch a movie. But as the movie buffered, the sexual tension heightened, and we quickly went at it. We pulled at each other’s clothes with such force that I knew where things were leading. Breath heavy and heart racing, I decided in a split second that the couch was the perfect place for a little coitus.
Things seemed to fall perfectly in place and I was thoroughly enjoying each second of ecstasy. When I noticed a heavy panting to the right of me, I drowned out the noise at first, consumed in my own bliss. Then I decided to look over. That’s when I saw my blessed angel of a dog furiously humping an innocent shoe. As we locked eyes, I could only see it getting gratification from my own sexual exploits. I was in a real life doggie porno. Now, my dog is neutered and I have not seen the little guy hump ANYTHING in the past eight years of its life. So imagine my surprise to see my sweet baby pleasuring itself to my own fornication. The son of a bitch, literally, smiled a smug grin at me and continued jack-rabbiting the damn shoe, even after she saw my face of horror. I tried to distract myself and focus on my own sex, but it was impossible. After seeing my dog humping at the same rhythm of the guy I was with, I was drier than the Sahara and the mood was completely dead.
I wish I had a moral to the story. I wish I had the courage to share this story in a final effort to top my friends. But I can’t. I’ll just let them think a rogue queef is the worst thing that can happen to a person during sex. I guess I’ll share this in anonymity, hoping maybe you can get a laugh from this. Also does “doesn’t matter had sex” still apply?.
Image via Shutterstock
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