“I swear to God, if you guys get us kicked off the cruise before we even board the ship you’re all out of the will,” my mom threatened my siblings and me. We were currently receiving our final warning from the staff and somehow my mother did not see the hilarity. We had our entire family there, all celebrating my mother’s 50th birthday, and it was a 50/50 shot that we all made it back alive seeing as my mom had threatened us all individually about throwing us overboard. My mom had brought all five children on this bonding experience and was now severely regretting her decision.
“STOP ENCOURAGING THEM!” she fumed at my stepdad, who had now joined in on our antics. He was red with laughter and tried to play innocent. He did the mature thing by telling us not to be shit heads and warning us to stop dicking around before continuing to harass the staff with us.
This was one of my favorite family trips. I’m the baby of the family and up until this moment I was always seen as a toddler among them. But now, at the mature age of 16, I was finally considered one of them… or at least I pretended I was. This was the first time I hung out with my siblings without feeling like the annoying little kid they had to babysit, and I took full advantage. And so did they, by giving me my first blackout.
It was a short cruise, only three days and two nights with the second day stopping in Mexico. I went out to eat with two of my brothers, my sister and my grandpa. As we sat they asked if I wanted a margarita, and I accepted it with wide eyes. And then another one. One thing I didn’t realize about those margaritas is that they made them strong, and I had sucked down two in about half an hour. I guess my buzz was entertaining because my brother had the brilliant idea of buying alcohol on shore and smuggling it back so that I could continue to drink and they would not have to pay the bar prices. Side note on how we got the booze on board? We hid it in my baby niece’s stroller. We were off to a great start.
I learned my limits that night. I spent the rest of the day sipping on tequila and lemonade feeling cool, adult and accepted. But it didn’t last long. Soon it was time for family dinner. Like a nice dinner. And I continued to drink. I thought I was doing well, but soon enough my mom warned my brother to take me back to my room so I could sleep. That should have been the warning that I needed to pull myself together, but I had confidence through the roof thanks to the liquid courage sloshing in my belly. Obviously no one knew I was drunk, how could they? I was a champion drinker.
My brother helped me up, and I just NEEDED to say “HEYYYYYY” to our waiter because I totally knew him. My brother started laughing, and mistakenly let go of me. I swear it was a sudden jolt of the ship and not my lack of balance, but either way I crashed face first into a pillar. I had effectively embarrassed my entire family. This was the beginning of the end.
I heard my sister say through laughter that she’d help put me to bed. But apparently my family pulled the old bait and switch on me, and my mother helped instead. With one arm around brother, and the other around my “sister” I started back to my room. All of my fuck-ups started to register and I declared “GUYS, I THINK MOM KNOWS!” My mom called me a dumbass. My own mother.
That night ended with my head in the toilet, puking up all dignity and respect from my family. Little did they know that was the first stop of the hot mess express my life would continue to be for the years to come. This is my legacy, and to think, it all started by publicly embarrassing my mother..