It’s never too late to make a change in your life. After days upon weeks upon months of starting my fitness journey “tomorrow,” I decided that tomorrow was today. I set a very clear goal for myself. Since weight is just a number that doesn’t really indicate your overall health and wellbeing (unless you are 600 pounds in which case, that is quite a concern), I made a goal for myself that didn’t have any numbers in it.
Goal: Promote Tea on Instagram
I wouldn’t disappoint myself by not hitting a certain number by a certain day. It’s not really up to me. It’s up to the tea companies that work solely through Instagram. As everyone knows, the best way to achieve a goal is to make smaller goals, so my short term goals are as follows:
1. Drop Stacks At Lulu Lemon
All the hot Instagram models are dressed in workout gear created for Olympians that they wear to take pictures in and take off before they can even leak on them. I have to spend my life savings on looking like I go to the gym only to walk around and let people know I am genetically engineered to be a next level smokeshow.
2. Become Impossibly Hot
These tea companies aren’t just going to give this job to anyone, you know. I have to look like a fairy godmother dropped some pixie dust on a sex doll. Wig-like hair, poreless skin, and the body of a prepubescent boy with the boobs and butt placed a little bit higher than they should be. Soak me in a spray tan and paint on my makeup like a clown and we have a star.
3. Use Hella Hashtags
Once I’ve reinvented myself, I need to expand my brand for as wide as the internet will allow me. The best way to do so is to come up with a bunch of hashtags that kind of relate to my posts, but are vague enough that preteens and men from foreign countries will use them to find me. Once I trick everyone that I am #teamfollowback and accumulate a follow from every man, woman, and pornbot on the app, then the tea companies will have to notice me.
4. Ignore All Notices From Credit Cards
The is implied, but this goal would have to be my full time job. It’s totally going to pay off in the end, so it’s worth it. I’ll be spending my time spending money, so it’s going to raise some brows at my credit card company. Actually, now that I think about it, my purchases may be out of character enough to try to report them so I don’t have to pay them. No, I can’t do that, that’s fraud. But it might just work…
5. Alienate Myself From The Real World
I can’t have any distractions when I’m working towards my goal. This means no friends, no family, no contact with the outside world. I will live in an open concept house with lots of windows that is perfect for lighting and unnecessarily difficult yoga poses. I need to give off the illusion that I exist solely on the internet and must be worshipped for it.
After all my hard work and dedication, there will come one fateful day where I check my DMs that are usually flooded with fan mail and creeps, and there will be a message from a teatox company inviting me to promote their brand. Then, and only then, will I finally reach my fitness goal..
Image via Instagram
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Ali Hin
A born and raised Jersey girl, she can always be found covered in sand and pizza sauce. Her personal brand is "that girl." She prefers wine in bottles because she thinks outside of the box. Send fan mail to [email protected] or by smoke signal.
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