It’s time for March Madness, aka when you join your boyfriend’s bracket pool and do medicore while pretending to care. I’m a very competitive person myself, but I don’t know all that much about basketball. Which is why I’ve decided to make my new installment of March Madness, but if it were based on the hotness of each team. First up, the round of 64!
1 Villanova vs. Mount St. Mary’s/New Orleans
I’m not even going to look up the other two schools because after seeing a group Villanova photo and #45 Darryl (nickname Daddy) Reynolds, they deserve the win.
8 Wisconsin vs. 9 Virginia Tech
I can practically hear the obnoxious ear-splitting Midwestern accent just by looking at the Wisconsin team. Going up against Virginia Tech with #14 Greg Donlon, that just won’t fly. Sure, he played in two games all season and has scored 0 points but clearly Virginia Tech knew that we were making this bracket.
Winner: Virginia Tech
5 UVA vs. 12 UNC Wilmington
Only four guys on the UNC Wilmington team don’t have arm sleeves of tattoos.
4 Florida vs. 13 East Tennessee State (ETSU)
Florida really dropped the ball here by most likely taking the player’s photos right after a Thursday night out because wow they look miserable.
6 SMU vs. 11 Providence/USC
Two out of five of SMU’s starting players are from Illinois and since they chose SMU over U of I, SMU is disqualified. Providence and USC both looked like teams of solid 7s until I got to USC’s #22 De’Anthony Melton.
3 Baylor vs. 14 New Mexico St.
Both are solid, but I’ll give New Mexico State the win here based on the fact they have four Canadians, two people from France, and one red-shirt from the Ivory Coast. Could you imagine how hot this team sounds?
Winner: New Mexico St. in OT
7 South Carolina vs. 10 Marquette
What is with the state of Wisconsin just disgracing the attractiveness of Midwestern men? The entire starting lineup of Marquette minus one (shoutout to #25 Haanif Cheatham) looks like college is just a side job to the family Cheese business.
Winner: South Carolina
2 Duke vs 15 Troy
Duke. No question. I can’t even pick a standout. Sure #50 doesn’t look his best in the group photo, but when you get to the individual… damn.
1 Kansas vs. 16 UC Davis/NC Central
NC Central ousts Davis but that will hardly matter as Kansas #33 Landon Lucas shines on and off the court if you catch what I’m saying.
8 Miami vs. 9 Michigan St
They would be pretty even if it weren’t for the corn-fed farm boys sprinkled into MSU’s roster.
5 Iowa St vs. 12 Nevada
I know during March Madness the 5-12 upset is a common “thing.” Here it is not as there are many star players such as #11 Monte Morris from ISU.
Winner: Iowa St.
4 Purdue vs. 13 Vermont
Purdue might be okay, but I can’t get over the fact they’re all wearing those weird athletic polos that coaches and every kid in the marching band normally wear.
6 Creighton vs. 11 URI
Creighton wins by default as URI doesn’t even have photos of all their players so they’re probably hiding something.
3 Oregon vs. 14 Iona
Originally Iona was the clear winner as Oregon was almost DQ’ed for not providing a photo of #21 Evan Gross. Then I found a photo of Evan Gross. Everything changed.
7 Michigan vs. 10 Oklahoma St
What is going on in this region? Why are there no photos? Michigan is arguably the worst offenders because when I try to click to see their photo, I get their Twitter feed. Thirsty for followers much?
Winner: Oklahoma State
2 Louisville vs. Jacksonville St
One of the Jacksonville State team members has frosted tips.
1 Gonzaga vs. 16 South Dakota State (SDSU)
Just like Florida, Gonzaga chose the wrong time to take their teams photos. You guys could’ve had a chance.
8 Northwestern vs. 9 Vanderbilt
Battle of the nerds. I’ve visited NU so I didn’t have high hopes for the team. Wow did they prove me wrong. Vanderbilt I’m sorry because in another matchup you could’ve won. That’s what sucks about the seeding.
Winner: Northwestern (NU)
5 Notre Dame vs. 12 Princeton
Notre Dame gets a lot of hate for simply being Notre Dame. I’d say they’re solid, but Princeton really knocked it out of the park here.
4 West Virginia vs. 13 Bucknell
Going straight off player photos, Bucknell seems like the winner. But I’m going to chalk that up to lighting as team photos are not nearly as strong. Who knew the state of West Virginia had so much talent?
Winner: West Virginia (WVU)
6 Maryland vs. 11 Xavier
I doubt there is a more handsome man in the entire state of Maryland than Anthony Cowan.
3 FSU vs. 14 FGCU
This one is fairly matched so it’s going to come down to each player with the highest points per game in a shootout, where FSU #4 Dwayne Bacon emerges the clear winner and brings home the W for the team.
Winner: FSU in OT
7 St. Mary’s vs. 10 VCU
This was another tough one. However upon further examination, most of St. Mary’s team looks like a bunch of bad fraternity composites.
2 Arizona vs. 15 North Dakota
Both are very average. The Arizona team would look better if they weren’t forced to wear the tightest tank tops in existence for their player photos by whoever is in charge of that.
1 UNC vs. 16 Texas Southern
Two words: Kanler Coker.
8 Arkansas vs. 9 Seton Hall
Although Arkansas star player’s name is “Dusty Hannahs” which is both very Arkansas and very frat, Seton Hall claims victory.
Winner: Seton Hall
5 Minnesota vs. 12 Mid Tennessee
This one was a tough call so it all comes down to a shootout between the teams two top scorers. Minnesota takes home the W with standout Nate Mason
4 Butler vs. 13 Winthrop
Based on #15 Patrick Fisher’s frat af aesthetic and the fact that he’s been out most of the season because of “mono,” I’m going to call Winthrop for the win in the match-up of irrelevant schools
6 Cincinnati vs. 11 Wake Forest/Kansas State
You must go look at the Kansas State roster and be as shocked as I was to see the level of talent they recruit.
Winner: Kansas State in a blowout
3 UCLA vs. 14 Kent State
Both teams here are solid 8s. Whereas many previous near-ties have been “meh” these teams are equally strong. UCLA’s highest scoring #22 TJ Leaf just edges out Kent State in a shootout.
7 Dayton vs. 10 Wichita State
I really underestimated the state of Kansas as a whole, but something about Dayton’s #20, Xeyrius Williams just does it for me.
2 Kentucky vs. 15 Northern Kentucky
It’s extremely clear here that both teams are indeed from Kentucky. Northern Kentucky’s major daddy, #2 Brandon Maxwell, will edge out their top-seeded competition in an epic upset.
Winner: Northern Kentucky
Remember, even if your school is shitty at basketball, they can still be hot, and that’s really what matters..