Your prayers have finally been answered. There’s a new product that numbs your feet for the night so alcohol doesn’t have to. A Beverly Hills plastic surgeon created Heel No Pain, the only foot spray that features lidocaine. It works by directly numbing the nerves that transmit pain. It smells like cucumber (so Bath & Body works), works in minutes, and lasts for hours. It’s even guaranteed not to stain your shoes. I think I’m in love.
This is a game changer for Greek life. No longer will lone shoes be left at functions all over the country, leaving angry risk management chairs making the announcement that someone has to claim the single 5-inch platform that was left at the venue. Sorority girls will no longer have to hobble home from nights out, risking injuries like the sprained ankle I was blessed with after formal. They won’t have blackened feet because they thought it would be normal to take their heels off at the bar (whoops). They even make a travel bottle, so you can keep it in your bag and spray some on before your walk of shame, so you don’t have to hobble home barefoot, heels in hand.
Sure, the fact that we’re wearing these ridiculous shoes to begin with is basically modern Chinese foot-binding, but now there’s a cure for that. While we’ve used alcohol as the cure for years, it doesn’t really work if we’re rocking heels for chapter (unless you pre-game) or work events. We’ve used vodka to numb our feelings, so why not use a spray to numb our feet? It’s Xanax for the sole.
Unfortunately, this spray could mean that people will risk serious injuries, because the numbing means they can leave on obscene heels until they’ve been crippled. But hey, no risk, no reward! I can’t help but wonder if it will feel like both your feet fell asleep, leaving girls everywhere looking far drunker than they are. I already feel bad for risk management, because that’s going to be a hot mess.
So, ladies, if you’re making your Christmas list, you’ll definitely want to add a pair of ridiculous platforms and this spray to the list. Tell your parents it’s for their sake, since it will certainly limit your intake of alcohol. Plus, it means you won’t be leaving expensive shoes behind at the bar, because you’ll be too numb to notice that they’re slowly destroying your feet. This holiday season, dreams do come true.
Image via theBERRY