New Study Shows That Being Single Really Will Make You An Alcoholic


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I’ve always both hated and admired the kind of couples who do things like eat healthily and work out together. I’ll see them running on the street sometimes, or at the gym in matching tank tops, and roll my eyes but also turn a little green with envy. The crazy Instagram posts of the “healthy couple” are annoying and inspiring. Like, yes, I think it’s obnoxious that you call him your “swolemate,” but I also really wish my abs looked like that and that my non-existent engagement ring could flash like yours does as you do pull-ups.

Alas, that’s not the kind of significant other I am. I’m the significant other whose favorite time of the day is happy hour. My favorite thing to do on vacation is sit on my ass and have my girlfriend make me piña coladas, which she’s bomb at. With our mutual love for beer and pretty much every other alcohol, I have no doubt that when/if we ever start planning a wedding that it will be done over several (hundred) bottles of wine, and that’s cool with me. I’ve always planned on organizing my guest list while a little tipsy — I just figured that was where the odds were pointing me.

Well, as it turns out, I’m wrong on that count. According to a new study analyzing the effects of marriage and alcohol use, being married decreases the amount of booze you consume. By how much, you ask? By a lot, actually. Married women have a 71 percent lower risk of developing an alcohol use disorder than single women. If you were worried about dying alone, don’t. Worry about becoming an alcoholic if you don’t get married. *Sobs.* It’s great to know that your future marriage won’t drive you to drink, probably, but for all the single ladies out there it’s looking like rough, drunken seas until there’s a ring on that finger.

A part of me, though, has to seriously question this study’s validity. I don’t think marriage is going to make me want to drink less. I live with my significant other and we still prefer to spend our weekend mornings with a bloody or five than we do injecting ourselves with bee pollen at the Farmer’s Market. But who knows? Maybe marriage will really turn me into a sober, health-focused person who is more likely to go on a jog than drink a beer. (Just kidding. I couldn’t even finish that sentence without laughing. Cheers.)

[via Cosmopolitan, The American Journal of Psychiatry]

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My favorite things are tiaras, compliments, and free drinks, which are becoming harder to come by the more I tend to show up at the bar in sweat pants. The proudest moment of my life so far has been landing an actual, paying job that allows me to Facebook stalk people for a living. I tweet about my mom way too often, who is constantly trying to remind me that I'm not nearly as cool as I think I am. Please send me funny stories to read at work here:

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