I’m so happy that this day has finally come. The stats are in, and if there’s one thing we know about the internet, it’s that everything you read is automatically true.
Mashable reports that more people have died from selfies than sharks this year. So far, twelve people have died while taking a picture of themselves, whereas only eight have perished in the ruthless jaws of hungry sharks. Twelve is more than eight, end even though it’s a minuscule number in the grand scheme of things, no one wants “here lies a narcissistic asshole” carved on their tombstones for all of eternity.
It’s definitely worth noting that, despite everything you’ve seen in “Jaws” and those crappy action movies about limb-less surfers conquering the waves post-attack, sharks aren’t really that dangerous. They’re basically just ugly, less flamboyant dolphins. This doesn’t change the fact that no death is more preventable than a selfie death.
According to the numbers, four of the twelve selfie-takers died from falling off shit, and the rest were either hit by trains, killed in car accidents, or gored to death while snapping a pic at the running of the bulls. I can’t make this stuff up. No one wants to die, but being gutted by an angry farm animal while documenting the entire thing is arguably the worst way for a person to leave this earth.
There’s a lesson to be learned here, people: Selfies cost lives, and we should all stop partaking in this dangerous trend ASAP. Maybe I’m biased because my Instagram feed is consistently flooded with really annoying tryhards who feel the need to validate their self-worth by posting selfies consisting of 40% face and 60% tits. Or maybe it’s because I’ve reported one too many stories about people having horrific freak accidents while trying to take them. Whatever the case, selfies are deadly. So next time you’re thinking of flipping to the front camera and slapping on a soft smile for your nonexistent fan base, do yourself a favor, and don’t..
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