Ben Kokes is an inventor who lives in San Francisco. More importantly, he is the new hero to thousands of men who hate their wives. After months of work, Ben put the finishing touches on an engagement ring for his girlfriend that visibly glows when the two get physically closer to each other (I will spare you the crude details of how it was made). This odd invention could forever change marriage as we know it.
Think about it. If he were to wear a similar illuminating ring, Ben would be able to get up and leave the room before his wife approached and asked him to do ridiculous tasks such as emptying the dishwasher or talking to her. He calls the ring “Project Longhaul” probably because “Project Get The Fuck Out of My Face” was already taken. To put this in perspective, in the 1900s this is probably what Thomas Edison would have invented if he wanted to sneak away and slam Amelia Earhart without getting caught (it’s not like she would have told anyone about it anyway).
In all honesty, Mr. Kokes deserves a Nobel Prize, not for his invention, but for convincing his girlfriend that this ring is a romantic gesture and not a way for them to avoid each other at all costs. We can see right through you, Ben, pretending to be innocent, playing the victim card saying things like, “It was a lot of work and there’s still lots to do” in an interview with NBC. Fuck you, Ben. Meanwhile, he knows that his future wife can never get mad at him after making a homemade ring that shines brighter than Ellen Page’s forehead.
Furthermore, he doesn’t just want to ruin his own marriage, he wants you to avoid your spouse, too. He says that while the ring may have taken him “months to design and test” he could “probably put together a new one in just a few days.” He even documented the whole process online so you can make your own. He makes it sound so casual and, truthfully, based on the fact that Farmville could be marketed, I’m sure that there will be a future for this invention.
Hate him or love him, Ben Kokes has given hope to every depressing marriage out there. It’s never too late to completely turn your back on the person you once loved and finally get that alone time you deserve. Perfect as an anniversary gift, birthday present, or just a passive aggressive way to say “I hate you,” this ring can really give couples something to call precious.
Image via NBC