This past weekend a group of bandits robbed a parked storage trailer filled with Nutella in Bad Hersfeld, Germany. The thieves walked away with 5.5 metric tons (fuck you and your metric system, Europe), which is approximately 13,750 jars of the chocolate hazelnut goodness. The estimated value of the haul is about $20,710. I prefer to wear my money, but if I had to eat it, I’d eat it in the form of Nutella.
Police are still unable to identify how many people were involved in the heist, but it is believed (by me) that the participants had perfectly groomed hair, subjected to the harsh heat of either a Chi flat iron or a curling wand then sprayed with a Big Sexy Hair volumizing aerosol product. The culprits were likely wearing American Apparel leggings, cross-body bags, Jack Rogers sandals, infinity scarves, and Ray-Bans. The word “like” was undoubtedly over-infiltrated into the heavily vocally fried conversations had between the thieves in a way that makes no sense to others, but actually follows a distinct and intentional lingual pattern. I suspect they were transporting their precious cargo to either a sisterhood event or to a dear friend who just got dumped by her boyfriend.
Other suspects include a band of first-graders, fat camp refugees, my future husband, or the culprits responsible for a similar food scandal in the area. Regardless, they’re either the smartest or the dumbest thieves in the world. I’m a little bit jealous.
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