Parting Words to a Bad Boyfriend


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Nice Move

Dear Satan,
Dear Life-Ruiner,
Dear Asshole,


This may come as a shock to you, as, in the past, I’ve willingly put up with all of your mind games, cruel words, and general douchebaggery, but I had a revelation. Not so much of a revelation, because I always knew, it just never mattered. It matters now.

I don’t know what changed from yesterday to today. I wish I could say you finally went too far with your behavior and did something shitty enough to push me over the edge. Or that I’d reached my quota on blow jobs for a person who doesn’t want to take me on dates. Or that the horrible things you say in an attempt to derail my self-esteem finally accomplished what they were intended to do. But none of those things are true. None of those things would have made me quit you.

And I know all the things you’ve said. You’re scared. It’s risky. You “don’t deserve me.” And I’ve told you and told you that it isn’t true. And I’ve excused your behavior and the way you made me feel, because of your own alleged insecurities. But you know what…you DON’T deserve me. But it’s not for the reasons you think. It’s not because you aren’t handsome enough, or tall enough, or otherwise genetically desirable enough. It’s not because of all your weird quirks. In fact, I love those things about you. Well. I don’t. But I don’t mind them, and I love that you showed them to me.

I don’t know what finally made me wake up and realize it, but the bottom line is…I don’t like how you treat me. You bring me more negativity in a day than you do positivity in the whole week. And yes, when we are great, we are GREAT. And I thought the great was worth fighting the shitty for. So I fought it and fought it. Your nasty comments and judgmental character, your propensity to bicker, your stubborn and unforgiving nature, your cruel, heartless jokes, your constant cycle of pushing me away and then reeling me back in, and the awful way you make me feel about myself almost all of the time – I fought it all for that little bit of great. Because it is SO great. But I’m tired of fighting. I’m tired of being angry all the time, because it’s fun for you to see me get angry. I’m tired of being treated like shit because for some warped reason you convinced me it was a good thing. This isn’t how it’s supposed to be. Relationships are supposed to make your life easier, not harder.

I tried so hard to make you happy, and I thought if I could finally do it, if I could change you, you’d eventually want to make me happy too. But you don’t want to be happy. You love being miserable, so I tried to go to a place of misery too. So I could be with you. I thought it would be okay as long as we were there together. But I don’t want to be miserable any more.

And it sucks because I like you SO much. Enough to let all this happen for so long. Enough to have faith that if I just held on a little bit longer, we could be happy. But I don’t think you can change…and I really really want to be happy. So I think it’s time to bow out before I really hate you. And before I really love you.

Absolutely, Truly, and Sincerely,


  • Editor’s Note: Sorry you guys. I accidentally listened to Taylor Swift’s newest monstrosity this morning and this is what came out.

  • Veronica (@VeronicaRuckh) is the Director of Total Sorority Move for Grandex, Inc. After having spent her undergraduate years drinking $4 double LITs on a patio and drunk texting away potential suitors, she managed to graduate with an impressive GPA and an unimpressive engagement ring -- so unimpressive, in fact, some might say it's not there at all. Veronica has since been fulfilling her duties as "America's big," a title she gave to herself with the help of her giant ego. She has recently switched from vodka to wine on weekdays. Email her at

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