A few months ago, I met a dude who was almost perfect. We locked eyes across a bar, and he was able to deliver a stupid pickup line in a way that actually seemed charming. He was funny, smart, well built and heading off to some kind of professional school in the fall. He was extremely tall, and I figured he must have been suffering from some kind of premature baldness that I was unable to see, because as far as I could tell, he was perfect. I locked him down faster than a single girl locks her door after a Lifetime movie marathon.
We shared values, cheese fries and, few dates later, a cab back to my apartment. As we removed our clothes, I realized that my main squeeze’s major flaw wasn’t hiding up north. It was way down south. His massive body wasn’t framing the schlong of my dreams. It wasn’t even a chode. It was a teeny, tiny, pleasureless micropenis.
Because I believe I deserve the whole package, or at least some kind of package, our relationships quickly fizzled out following that night. We were mentally perfect for each other. But with nothing physical going on, I had to say “see ya!” I sent him down the river and burned the bridge so he (and his microdick) could never return.
I am now regretting that decision because rumor has it that guys can finally get penis replacement surgeries.
Unsatisfied women everywhere rejoiced today because a team of surgeons at Massachusetts General Hospital have shared the best news ever.
That they have performed the nation’s first genitourinary reconstructive (penile) transplant. The 15-hour operation, which took place earlier this month, involved surgically grafting the complex microscopic vascular and neural structures of a donor organ onto the comparable structures of the recipient.
In non-doctor speak, a man had his penis replaced. He had to have his little friend amputated due to a cancer diagnosis in 2012 and then begged his doctors to get him a new dick. Since both overseeing surgeons were men, they clearly felt for him and decided to give it a go. I don’t know where the good doctors of Massachusetts General found a suitable replacement, but they did and all the early signs show that his new wand should be magical very, very soon.
Now that one surgery has been successful, I can only imagine that this procedure will be taught to med students across the country in about six months. The DMV will ask men to become penis donors, dick pics and dildos will be used as reference guides, and well-endowed men will constantly tell everyone that it’s their original piece, thank you very much.
What does that mean for the rest of us? People will finally admit that yes, size does matter. Women will finally have a good clap back for the ol’ “have you ever considered a boob job?” question. You will stop receiving weird spam emails abut penis enlargement pills and instead get emails about penis replacement surgery. If you meet the perfect man whose penis just isn’t doing it for you, you can just buy him a plane ticket to Boston and be ready for a world of romantic bliss.
Now, if only science would just hurry up and invent time travel, my love life would be perfect..
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