The Irish Exit basically refers to the act of leaving an event without saying goodbye to friends and acquaintances. I’m not sure of the origin of the name “Irish Exit,” but I’m Irish and I’ve pretty much nailed it, so I’d like to think it’s named after me. More likely, some drunk Irish person once peaced from a tavern or something and was too fucked up to even wave goodbye to his friends. Needless to say, I’m proud of my people.
Regardless of its history, the Irish Exit is a beautiful thing. For those of you who have a love/hate (but mostly hate) relationship with people, you’ve probably pulled a few of these in your day. Sometimes, when you’re drunk and have pretty much come to the decision that you’re done with everyone, you just have to deuce. And that’s totally okay. As long as you follow the proper guidelines for a flawless exit, you should be fine. Perfecting the Irish Exit is tricky, but it can be done. All it takes is practice, repetition, and a tad bit of irreversible damage to just a few friendships.
Step One: Identify Your Reason For Departure
You’re at a party and you’ve had some fun, but you decide you’re ready to leave. Before doing so, you have to think to yourself, “Do I have an actual reason for leaving?” There are many reasons to pull an Irish Exit, but that doesn’t mean they’re all acceptable. Here are a few examples of legitimate reasons to leave:
1. You’re way too drunk and fear you might upchuck on unsuspecting friends if you attempt to say goodbye.
2. Your #1 slam booty called you.
3. You really, really want pizza.
4. You just want to go to bed, but know your friends will force tequila shots on you if you tell them you want to go home.
5. You hate everyone.
These, however, are not legitimate reasons to leave:
1. Your ex wants to “talk.”
2. That kid in the cargo shorts asked you to smoke a joint with him.
3. You’re really hammered and wrongly convinced that you will be able to safely find your way home.
4. Your ex’s new girlfriend showed up and you think you’d lose in the event of a bitch fight. You can totally take her.
5. Taco Bell. You’re just going to regret it in the morning, and you know it.
Step Two: Locate An Appropriate Exit
If you think you’re going to be able to stroll out of the front door without your best friend grabbing you and inquiring why you’re being such a fucking weirdo, think again. You’re probably drunk enough to think that no one will notice, but trust me, they will. You need to find an exit that is more secluded. This does not, however, mean you should crawl out of a bathroom window. Strive for a back door or one that is near a group of people you don’t know well enough to give a proper goodbye.
Step Three: Motivate Yourself
Set your sights on whatever you’re working for. Think of the abs you like to imagine your slam has, that large cheesy pizza you’re about to attack like a wildebeest, or your bed with all of its cushy, warm glory. Keep in mind your ultimate goal (to get the fuck out) and focus. You can do it. Toss back one last good luck shot, high five a stranger, and prepare yourself to act completely normal and not draw any attention to yourself. You got this.
Step Four: Exit The Premises
Keep your head down and remember to move quickly. You might hear friends talking, but you definitely don’t want to make eye contact. Dodge past unsuspecting partiers until you reach your destination, and make a swift exit through the door. If you get busted along the way, feel free to use one of the excuses that I frequent in desperate times:
1. “I’m just heading outside to pee behind a bush because [insert name of a friend who you feel no remorse exploiting] is puking in the bathroom.”
2. “My mom called me and I can’t hear my phone in here.”
3. “I’m leaving this party because I hate you and everyone at it and you can’t stop me. DEUCES.”
Step Five: Celebrate Because You’re A Dick But That’s Okay
Congratulations, you’ve done it! You have successfully disregarded the appropriate social graces that we, as a civilization, have spent hundreds of years developing. Pat yourself on the back, because you are free and the night is yours. Remember to brace yourself for tomorrow morning–don’t be surprised if you wake up to more than a few text messages. Your rightfully concerned friends will probably be very worried about your whereabouts. Your best friend will probably know what’s up and tell you that you’re an asshole for ditching the party, but she’ll forgive you in due time.