Phrases To Avoid When A Loved One Cuts Her Hair

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Nice Move

Hair

Aside from I guess Jesus and maybe Mary Magdalene (who has an awesome name and did what she wanted in her youth, but still ended up as the main chica of JC, Himself), Samson is my favorite person in the whole Bible. That might be because my actual knowledge of Bible stories is pretty limited, seeing as Catholics focus more on making sure parishioners feel like shit about anything and everything they do than actual Biblical studies, but Samson is my boy. Samson gets me.

“If my head were shaved, my strength would leave me, and I would become as weak as any other man.”

–Judges 16:17

Exactly. Sammy, I couldn’t agree more. My strength, like that of many young women, lies in my hair. If you’re having a bad hair day, you’re having a bad day, overall. If you get a bad haircut, you and those around you are doomed for an indefinite amount of time. One time, I went into a hair salon, expecting to have four inches of my overgrown locks stolen from me, and the lady cut a foot. A foot. She cut A FOOT of my hair. Just like Samson, I became weak and felt so inclined to ruin the establishment and end the lives of all the people it housed on impact. Unfortunately, that kind of behavior was only permissible in biblical times.

That was 14 months ago and I hadn’t braved the hair salon again until very recently. Luckily, my friends knew that dealing with a long-haired person who recently parted with a foot of her hair meant treading very carefully. They could have really screwed things up, because there are some very distinct things one should never say to a vulnerable girl who’s just drastically changed her hairstyle, from which she gets all of her power.

The truth is, you probably don’t give a hoot about your friend’s hair, because unless you were the group’s only redhead and now she’s on your turf, it really doesn’t affect you. What will affect you, however, is the overly dramatic adverse reaction she has if you dare respond inappropriately.

“Oh my God, your hair!”

…..And? What about my hair? Okay, so clearly you notice the change and the only words to escape your lips are a mere acknowledgment that my hair is, in fact, different? This was your opportunity to affirm that I look spectacular. In my state of hypersensitivity, how could you say something like this to me? There is nothing worse than a neutral, declarative statement such as “It’s so short!” or “It’s lighter!” No shit. I know it’s fucking shorter and lighter. Your unwillingness to immediately follow that up with a praise-filled opinion tells me you have nothing praiseworthy to say. How am I supposed to know it looks good if every single person I come into contact with doesn’t tell me so, individually? I’m heinous. Nice cover, but not really.

Ignore It

If you don’t notice the two-inch or one-shade difference, can I really even consider you a friend? How could you have me prompt you to unexcitedly confirm you “like it” in my fragile state? Am I to believe you really didn’t notice a difference or did you more likely notice my hair and not want to say anything because you were so disgusted. I’m not coming out of my room until it looks exactly as it did before and that’s going to suck a LOT because I don’t even have split ends to stare at.

“You look great! I like this so much better!”

Better?! Ex-fucking-scuse me? So up until this point in my life, I’ve been walking around like some troll doll, with bad coloring and an even worse style? Have I been living my whole life thinking I was a 10, when I was really only a 9.5? Have I only now earned my vapidly arrogant attitude? Do people think I’m some sort of deluded bitch, dating outside her means? Is this the reason I’ve redefined “dating” to mean “sleeping with someone for longer than one month?” Excuse me while I go stalk my former self and tell her how wrong she was to assume she possessed any form of beauty in her state of unsightliness. With this, I die.

The only appropriate reaction is an overzealous “I FUCKING LOVE IT!” Do not ask her if she likes it. There is nothing worse than being forced to be the sole determinant of your own beauty. Do not look at her in contemplation of your opinion. Your response must be immediate. Do NOT tell her you “already saw it.” You should let her know often how great she looks. This is her time of need and regardless of the fact that you literally care more about the 27th digit of pi than her hair, you must be supportive. It’s what any good friend would do.

***

Veronica (@VeronicaRuckh) is the Director of Total Sorority Move for Grandex, Inc. After having spent her undergraduate years drinking $4 double LITs on a patio and drunk texting away potential suitors, she managed to graduate with an impressive GPA and an unimpressive engagement ring -- so unimpressive, in fact, some might say it's not there at all. Veronica has since been fulfilling her duties as "America's big," a title she gave to herself with the help of her giant ego. She has recently switched from vodka to wine on weekdays. Email her at veronica@grandex.co

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