Unless you have been living under a rock, in a drunken stupor, or otherwise preoccupied for the past, say, seven months, you may have noticed that the 2016 elections are fast approaching. With the news of the caucuses, commercials, and aggressive student representatives circulating around campus, it’s hard to differentiate which candidate is which. But have no fear, because as it would turn out, these swanky politicians are actually just sorority girls masquerading in ugly suits and private jets. Here is an unbiased rundown of the 2016 exec, uh, I mean, presidential candidates.
Hillary Clinton: The Popular Sophomore
We all know that one girl. We hear about her weekend escapades, we see her on social media, and we know all about her because her hot senior boyfriend is in THE top frat and no, she won’t let you forget about it. But who is she, exactly? Besides her obnoxiously loud reputation, this girl may have some substance. If only we could stop obsessing over her dreamy boyfriend and all of his mediocre accomplishments.
Bernie Sanders: Head of Philanthropy
The Bernie Sanders type of gal is a special breed. Never to be seen at frats or any sort of social function, she shows up only to the service events and relentlessly hounds everyone to make! sure! they! complete! their! service! hours! too! Her full force really shines through during your chapter’s philanthropy week, during which she becomes a borderline tyrant all in the name of “the children.” Overall, she may have good intentions, but she also could be legitimately psychotic.
Obama: The 5th Year Senior
Ever see that one girl and think to yourself “Damn, hasn’t she graduated yet?” Well, that’s Obama. She keeps mysteriously appearing at pre-games, and everyone immediately flocks to her and gushes over that one AMAZING night that happened sophomore year when she broke some obscure school record. But alas, she’s finally on her track to graduation, has hung up her letters, and is finishing up her victory lap.
Donald Trump: How did she get in?
Each year, there’s one girl who seamlessly slips through recruitment. Wow-ing actives with her bold demeanor, bright smile (albeit questionable hair style), and her big reputation on campus, she seems to be a shoe-in for your sorority. Next thing you know, her profile picture is a photo of her blacked out on someone’s front lawn, she’s become a raging alcoholic, and is essentially standard’s worst nightmare. So please, someone stop her before she gets too far.
Ben Carson: Trust Fund Child
Lilly dress? Check. Range Rover? Check. Yurman bracelet, private jet, and an inheritance that could fund 10 people through college? Check, check, and check. This girl is the one who has average looks, an average GPA, and pretty much average everything else, but her daddy brings in the big bucks. Now, I’m not saying she bought her way into the sorority, but…that’s actually what I am saying.
Mike Huckabee: Who the hell is that?
Do you know who Mike Huckabee is? Yeah, me neither. This candidate is the equivalent of the girl who shows up to a random chapter meeting in February and immediately you ask yourself who this imposter could possibly be. Are you Facebook friends? Nope. Is she in any group photos? Nope. Does she even have a composite? As it turns out, she does. The formalities are there, but this girl is as much of a sorority sister as Cinderella was to the two ugly step-sisters.
Jeb Bush: The Legacy
Need I say more?
So now that you are properly educated, feel free to pick your poison. But first and foremost, remember that no matter who happens to be the new president, we are all entitled to life, liberty, and the pursuit of srattiness..