Pretty Boys Selling Philanthropy T-Shirts Are Making Me Poor


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Nice Move


“So… do you want one?” he asked, looking at me through his dark lashes. I could hear my heart flutter and the world around me blurred as I become enamored by his blue eyes. I couldn’t think, I couldn’t focus, I couldn’t even walk away. Friends watched the situation unfold from afar, knowing what I was about to do and giving me worried looks.

“I – I don’t know…” I said hesitantly. I mean, could I really afford this? And the commitment, too. I was practically selling my soul to his fraternity. And everyone would know, too – it’s not exactly easy to hide.

“But, it would really suit you,” he said persuasively. My willpower crumbled as I reached for my debit card. Try as I might, I couldn’t resist this gorgeous man and his convincing words. With a shaking hand, I passed over my card.

“Great! Now, what size do you want!” he chirped enthusiastically. A mountain of philanthropy tee shirts was stacked behind him, one of which now belonged to me. With the realization of the mistake I had just made, I grabbed my card and my new purchase and ran for the hills before I could talk myself into buying a matching tank top.

Philanthropy shirts have always been a big thing at my school. But as of late, my friends and I have found ourselves with a growing pile of cheap tees with different foundations on them. The shirts haven’t magically become couture items — so why the sudden increase in popularity? After much consideration, some data collection, and a few glasses of wine, I’ve concluded that there is only one explanation for the surge in my shirt collection: the fraternities are using their pretty boys as their salesmen.

It’s a sneaky tactic, but it’s effective. They reel me in with a subtle smile and cool glance, and suddenly I am practically throwing money at them. I mean, do I want to be known as that bitch who walked away from their philanthropy table? And don’t get me wrong, but it’s easy for me to turn down a non-profit worker on the street. Thanks to my student loans, I can’t support them all. But do you know what I can’t turn down? A gorgeous guy who I may, one day, sometime, possibly see again from across the room at a party. We could totally be soulmates though. And that’s not a risk that I am willing to take.

This phenomenon isn’t localized to me, however. Just the other day, I witnessed a pack of girls literally pass out at the mere sight of a philanthropy event. The boys stood there, wearing their token matching shirts, and winked at any girl within a 50-foot radius. Like moths to a light, sorority women came running with money in hand. Meanwhile, the average looking brothers were locked away in the fraternity basement, sipping on cans of Natty and discussing the design for next year’s philanthropy tee.

So, my dearest fraternity friends, I am on to you. You can send your most gorgeous members, but one of us will win this war. Either you will run out of good looking members, or I will run out of money to burn on your cause. Personally, I think it’ll be the former.

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PSLsandPearls has been shotgunning lattes and looking good since the mid 1990's. In her free time, she cuddles with any animal she can find and incessantly bitches about how busy she is. You can email her at (note the single PSL).

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