Pretty Little Liars: The Greek Edition

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Nice Move

Pretty Little Liars

The season finale of Pretty Little Liars left us with more questions than answers. Who’s terrorizing Rosewood in the red coat? Zombie Ali, an evil twin, or a masked murderess are all options. Who are the bodies in the risen cop car? We haven’t seen Noel Kahn in a while (or Lucas, or Aria’s weird brother, or Emily’s lady love). Why does Toby sometimes wear a shirt when his body’s the only thing that makes up for his face? The world may never know.

I may be as confused as Emily was when she went on that accidental grave-digging spree, but I do know one thing: the liars would go Greek. It would mean taking time off from solving murder mysteries, but over the past couple of seasons, they’ve proven they have what it takes to be valuable members of any Greek organization. They’re loyal, conniving, and morally ambiguous.

Alison DiLaurentis

Everyone’s favorite HBIC would join the best sorority on campus. She’d almost be blackballed because she slept with the wrong fraternity boy(s) pre-recruitment, but she’s too pretty to ban from Greek Row’s version of the high school popular table. She’d claw her way up to recruitment chair, because she’s the best at handpicking her social circle. She’s a great addition to a top house. She’s the perfect mix of stunning and evil, and she’ll look great on the porch during recruitment.

Aria Montgomery

Aria would rush because all of her friends were doing so, and she’s a sheep. She’d bang a TA because she loves a good authority figure. After all, she has a lot of daddy issues, the unfortunate side effect of her father possibly murdering her bestie. She’s cute in a kewpie doll kind of way, but her skeletor costumes have got to go. She loves skulls, bones, teeth, and feathers more than anyone other than a prehistoric creature or Ke$ha. She’d be a good alternative sister to convince potential new members your house is “diverse,” but you’d have to make her promise not to dye her hair blue during recruitment. Aria wouldn’t hold a position, but she would make announcements poetry slams every weekend. Nerd alert.

Spencer Hastings

Spence would be in the house packed full of over-achievers, with the girls who always have the best GPA, win Greek Week and make up Homecoming court. She wears a lot of tweed, so she’d start out as scholarship chair. She’d obviously end up as president, because girlfriend cannot deal when she’s not in charge. Everyone in the house would know better than to mess with her, because there’s nothing like a Hastings scorned.

Hanna Marin

Hanna is the ultimate sorority girl. At first you think girlfriend is a little on the slow side, until you realize she’s hysterical, fabulous, and fun, unlike some of the other ladies she parties with (Ahem, Aria). She’d be a great sister because she’s as loyal as they come. After all, she fought for her wino mom when she was hiding cash money in the pasta box and when she attempted to murder one of Rosewood’s finest.

Mona Vanderwaal

Mona would be the girl who picks her sorority before she even starts college and she’d come unhinged when every house drops her. Sucks to suck, Mona. Not every girl gets a bid. She’d transfer and attempt a plastic surgery makeover to become the sorority girl of her dreams (or an Ali doppelganger). The girls at her new school would see through the facade. She’d pledge the worst house and spend the next four years plotting and scheming to improve her hopeless sorority, with her lower-tier sisters as the perfect minions. She’d get them all matching bedazzled black hoodies for recruitment and make them suffer through sisterhood retreats.

The liars are perfect sorority girls because they spend most of their days trying to piece together their nights. How did Ali do everything in the world on what was potentially her last night on earth? What happened during Emily’s blackout in the graveyard? We can relate to trying to make sense of nights that we’ll never remember. However, we can’t relate to spending months being terrorized, because we’re not fraternity pledges. Anyway, if I were living in Rosewood I’d be rocking my concealed carry permit hard by now, I’d stop having loud conversations in front of every window in the house, and I certainly wouldn’t be boning my teacher now that he has a little nugget running around. The liars are in desperate need of some serious sisterhood to show them how to take charge of their pretty little lives.

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