Princeton Mom Writes Self-Help Book To Make Single Girls Feel Worse Than They Already Do

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Remember that Princeton Mom, Susan Patton, who wrote a letter to the young women of Princeton, encouraging them to find a husband before they graduate (as if it’s so easy)? She ever-so-kindly pointed out to us that never again in our lives will we be surrounded by our age-appropriate, intellectual equals, and from here on out we’ll be on a tragic search for them, which will, more often than not, end in disappointment. God, I hate that woman, regardless of the fact that she seems to be making some valid points. Well, ladies, you and your self-esteem are in luck, if you’re a masochist, because Patton has decided to write a book. She explains:

“In this ‘politically correct’ world where the topics of marriage and motherhood for educated girls are taboo, somebody has to talk honestly with young women about finding husbands, getting married and having babies. That might as well be me! The advice I offered in the Daily Princetonian was intended for the women on the campus of my beloved alma mater, but it is applicable to educated women everywhere who want a traditional family. To avoid an unwanted life of spinsterhood with cats, you have to smarten up about what’s important to you.”

Suze — is it okay if I call you Suze? — I know you’re the mother of two boys, but I promise you every hyper-critical mother of girls in America has had this conversation with her daughters. If my mother isn’t asking me why I’m not married, I don’t even recognize her. No one needs to be having these conversations. Actually, we’re actively dodging phone calls daily, so as not to partake in them, but I truly appreciate your concern.

Her book, SMARTEN UP!, is projected to be published next spring and will explore such topics as the following.

  • “The heartbreak women may face if they delay marriage and motherhood.”
  • “How marriage and motherhood have become thought of as the antithesis of modern womanhood.”
  • “The necessity for young women to plan for their personal happiness as carefully as they plan for their professional success.”
  • “Confront[ing] realities including the limited number of years women can bear children and how the current hook-up culture diminishes women’s self-esteem.”

Suze, here you go again, acting as if we don’t know these things. I, for one, would like to be married by next year, and not just because I want to throw a fabulous wedding. Mostly, for the reasons you stated, because I want to have tons of babies, and I want to be done birthing them by the time I’m 35. Do you think I like being hopelessly single? I don’t, but try as I might, I can’t turn my body pillow into a boyfriend, and even if I cook for two, I’m still setting a table for one.

Suzy, darling, you seem to be the mother of some momma’s boys. I can tell by the way you think that women are the only reason that kids these days are marrying later and hooking up more. And by the way, you wrote a letter to your son’s school asking its women to be his girlfriend. In either case, men are just as much the problem here as women are. Let’s make a little arrangement, Suze. You find me an attractive, intelligent man with whom I enjoy spending time, who is willing to commit, and I will marry him on the spot, because surely, in your infinite wisdom, you will be able to find him, when my entire generation has failed to do so. Deal?

Kisses, Suzy. I always feel like giving up now so great after our little chats.

[via Gawker]

Image via CNN

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Veronica (@VeronicaRuckh) is the Director of Total Sorority Move for Grandex, Inc. After having spent her undergraduate years drinking $4 double LITs on a patio and drunk texting away potential suitors, she managed to graduate with an impressive GPA and an unimpressive engagement ring -- so unimpressive, in fact, some might say it's not there at all. Veronica has since been fulfilling her duties as "America's big," a title she gave to herself with the help of her giant ego. She has recently switched from vodka to wine on weekdays. Email her at veronica@grandex.co

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