If your school has spring recruitment, it means that you’ve spent the last semester stalking girls more than boys. While it’s a refreshing change from creeping on your not-boyfriend of the moment, it can also make you feel like a cyberstalker, an unfortunate side effect. Luckily, you only have a month or two left in Creep City, USA (Population: all of Greek life). Unfortunately, in the month ahead, you’ll have to take a quick break from shotgunning holiday Starbucks cups while downing Addy like you mean it in order to secure the rush crush of your dreams, without Panhel stepping in to stop you. Those bitches always rain on a good parade. After all, while they say you technically shouldn’t dirty rush, rules were made to be broken.
If you love cyberstalking, it’s more than likely you love recruitment, too. But if you’re the kind of girl who would rather be surprised by Nev and Max from Catfish showing up at your door, it’s probably not for you. One of my friends once told me she was never on the recruitment board because she actually has a soul, and I take that as a compliment. To get the job done right you have to be judgmental, and you have to have absolutely no fear of karma, because you’ll say evil things that even you didn’t know you were capable of. Sure, you’ll need to detox and do some philanthropy work once it’s done to re-gain your soul, but it’s worth it when you have a brand new pledge class of babies to call your own.
Now, if you’re far less creepy, or a sophomore who has yet to experience recruitment from the other side, you’ve probably spent the semester in fear of your older/wiser/more terrifying sisters, because you never knew exactly how psychotic they could be. I mean sure, you saw them hunt down formal dates like they were members of Duck Dynasty, but it all seemed so good-natured at the time. Now you understand where their not-boyfriends were coming from when they dropped the c-bomb: crazy. Lucky for you, the ability to empathize is important.
As a sophomore suddenly exposed to the secrets of recruitment, you’re probably wondering how you ever got a bid. You’re pretty sure half the guys you MOed with first semester were either taken or just bad news bears in general, you definitely vomited on the quad in plain sight, and the impromptu lapdance you gave at Fiji Island probably didn’t help your case either, but you can’t be sure. Luckily, you somehow slipped through the cracks, and now it’s your turn to pass judgment on the younger generation, which is way more fun than writing a paper or color-coding index cards, anyway. Just be careful who you stalk publicly, because while you may think no one’s watching you in the library, you don’t want to be wrong.
While dirty rushing technically goes against the rules, so do all the best things in life. No risk, no reward. So, here’s how to dirty rush without getting your hands too dirty, and most of all, not getting caught:
Never give a PNM a bid.
She’s like a mouse, and you cannot give her the cookie until the time is right. I know you love her, and it’s getting so close to recruitment, and when you’re drunk you’ll say anything to anyone, which is your fatal flaw. Unfortunately, you have to contain yourself until the rest of your sisters (soberly) agree. Which means that in the days leading up to recruitment, you have to make sure to introduce her to the entirety of the chapter. Even though you adore her and know she would make the best little in the world, if no one else meets her, it’s entirely possible that when recruitment comes along something could go wrong. If she makes the wrong first impression, or she can be shy at first, she could slip through the cracks. So, subtly introduce her before formal recruitment begins, to guarantee you get the little of your dreams. I don’t mean awkwardly invite her on a coffee date to the dining hall where 50+ sisters “spontaneously” run into you, because that’s just stalker behavior. Take her to a pre-game, “run into” her at a bar, introduce her around. Let’s be honest, you wouldn’t invite your guy of the moment out to dinner and have your actual family randomly run into you all at once, so don’t overwhelm her that way, either. Your sisters are sure to love her, but hopefully they don’t love her too much, because fighting for a little is the worst. Dibs on a baby means something, you know?
Don’t be creepy.
Treat your rush crush like you would an actual crush, minus the whole MOing part. You want them to want you, without them knowing how much you want them. Yes, it sounds like a riddle you would recite while intoxicated, but it makes sense when you think about it. After all, don’t girls always want the guys who are hard to get? You need your sorority to seem both accessible and also aspirational.
Keep your affection under control.
You do not, under any circumstances, want to be perceived as the creeper who’s calling/texting/attempting pre-games 24/7. Unfortunately, you have to save that stalker behavior for when you’re her big. Until then, you have to contain yourself, even when you’re borderline blackout. If you go rogue, it will get out that you’ve taken dirty rushing to the next level. If you’re stealth about your love, she’ll see you as a cool older girl who buys her drinks at bars (or gets boys to do it for her). You also have to make sure to spread your love around. It’s like zeroing in on one boy at the bar– if he’s not the one, you’re SOL. If you love her, it’s more than likely her friends are just as cool, so get to know them. Limiting yourself to one rush crush is like having a serious boyfriend for all of college– you’re missing out on a lot of potential excitement. It’s a balancing act that you’ll soon have mastered, but until then, keep your options open.
Don’t get caught.
Dirty rushing is an art form, really. Panhel is basically your overwrought standards chair. They both mean well, but their advice is best left (subtly) ignored. You can’t go overboard and dirty rush everyone, because then you’ll leave a lot of girls crying on their respective bid day buses. However, for the girls you really think would make incredible sisters, it’s important to show them how important your sisterhood is, and sometimes a semester, or month, of getting to know them can be far better for both of you than fifteen minutes of awkward small talk during recruitment before you transition on. After all, getting to know someone over drinks is way more comfortable, whether it’s a rush crush or an actual crush. So, in the month ahead, once you’ve somehow managed to survive finals (you always do), make sure to go on the hunt for the perfect little. Buy her shots, introduce her to everyone you’ve ever met from your grandbig to the best boy in your brother fraternity, but most importantly—don’t get caught doing it.