I’ve been noticing lately this weird phenomenon that occurs. About “feelings” – my least favorite thing. I’m absolutely bizarre…or I might be part man, internally. Not in the way like…I have nads or something, I just…the idea of romance really turns me off, and I hate relationships. Some say I’m bitter. Maybe I am. Not sure why, because my actual relationship was super wonderful and my mental fuckage un-relationship was not unexpected. But the fact remains, I don’t love love in the traditional sense. When I get all wrapped up in someone, I suck. I obsess over him, and just want to talk about him all the time, and force every man, woman, and child I encounter to specifically analyze every word we ever say to one another (needless to say, I’m very thankful that so much of my communication with a boy is written down, so I have punctuation and time elapsed to analyze too. Awesome). Like, it’s amazing to me that I have anything to talk to the guy about, because he’s the ONLY thing I can talk about with anyone else. Sick. I hate it. Of course, whilst I do this, I must simultaneously be performing voodoo in order to conceal my own feelings. (I’m not really doing voodoo, you psychos. My point is, I just never want him to know). Why? Because I have a terrible fear of commitment, and if a guy knew I liked him that could open up the possibility that he shared those feelings and it could go somewhere, or even worse, open me up to the possibility of rejection. I’m perfectly comfortable pining for someone I don’t think I’ll ever be with, I think for some twisted reason, I prefer it, but knowing, like for a fact as if to hear it shouted repeatedly: HE DOESN’T LIKE YOU is just too much for me to bear, so I take comfort and joy in the guessing game.
And don’t we all? Something about the guessing game…the unknown is just…so…fun. Even when it’s absolutely painful, and you’re really starting to think there will be a mental disorder named after you in the DSM V (no? just me? Ok, well look out for when you all start developing hot piece syndrome), there’s still some sort of rush that comes from it. It’s in our nature to want to discover the meaning behind things, and for there to be some sort of profound meaning for everything. It’s the whole basic concept behind religion. I’m not here to argue whether there is or isn’t a divine being and meaning for existence…the meaning of life argument doesn’t have a place on TSM (but for the record, I do think there is a meaning), I’m just saying, the very fact that we want to discover life’s meaning and that there are so many different theories is relevant. Something about wanting to know something we’ll never find out for sure is appealing to us. Which is why…in matters of attraction, we submit ourselves to this. We play games, and we’re never just upfront about it. I don’t think, outside of a “Do you like me? Yes or No. Circle one” note or a 7th grade conversation or two on AOL instant messenger, I’ve ever just been like “hey, do you like me? Because I like you.” Something like that, is not only terrifying, but it takes away all the fun. The torturous, agonizing, drive-yourself-crazy, fun. Once we know, we so often lose interest. The one thing that had us really holding onto this person is our inability to navigate what’s on their mind. And once you know how they feel that’s gone. It’s true for me anyway. The uncertainty is what I’m attracted to, it’s literally not about the man, it’s about they mystery. We love it when he doesn’t text us back, when we’re unsure what something meant, and just being in a state of not knowing.
But the weird thing is…we should know. No one should ever have to guess. When someone likes you, it’s so obvious to EVERYONE. So why anyone thinks they’re being subtle in their flirtations is beyond me. The only time our judgment on the issue is clouded is when we have feelings too. It’s like somehow all the very obvious clues are null and void. Perhaps the reason for it is to keep us interested. Maybe we’re like this on purpose. Our minds are just accidentally keeping them complex and mysterious for us, when that’s the furthest thing from the reality of the situation.
On the opposite end of the spectrum, however, when there are feelings involved, we begin asserting meaning to things when there isn’t any. It’s maddening. And it’s stupid. And guys do it too (I think). Just because you’re hopelessly in love, doesn’t mean the same rules don’t apply. If you think he likes you, he probably does. If you just hope he likes you and you’re desperately analyzing everything, he probably doesn’t. In either case, chances are, he’s still not going to be your boyfriend. It’s not all so complicated as we make it. Read the signs that are there, and ignore the signs you’re creating because you wish they were there, and I guarantee you’ll drive yourself much less crazy. But, you’ll probably also have a lot less to gossip about with your girlfriends.
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