2016 Rush Crush Obituaries, Part 3


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Nice Move

ICYMI: 2016 Rush Crush Obituaries, Part One, and 2016 Rush Crush Obituaries, Part Two

Brunner, Leah

Leah, a high school basketball star, dabbled in modeling the past few years, largely as a result of her corporate father’s nepotism. Regardless, her tall stature impressed more than a few actives, and sister Ava even went so far as to describe her as “like, a slightly less attractive Kendall Jenner.” She was, however, a huge bitch. She apparently literally turned up her nose at more than one sister, although this could have been a misconstrued gesture due to her colossal height. The jury is still out. As is Leah.

Johnson, Abby

Abigail impressed us right off the bat, and her perfectly-maintained hair looked nearly identical to something straight off Pinterest. However, upon further inspection, we discovered that Abby was nothing short of a complete and total idiot. When asked what her major would be, she responded “College.” When asked what she wanted to eventually do career-wise, she informed sister Lilly that she wanted to invent a soft drink “similar to Diet Coke, but with zero calories.” The decision was made to drop Abby, as sisters felt that their IQs were dropping just from talking with her. We wish her the best of luck as she pursues her MRS degree.

Harris, Susan

Susan, a 19-year-old painter, would have made a valuable addition to our chapter, as the current banner chair sucks at her job (no offense, Zoe, but you’re a total moron and you can’t draw for shit). Susan’s finest works are showcased on Instagram, and the most popular of those has racked up a whopping 743 likes. Despite this impressive accomplishment, Susan emitted a super creepy vibe, as she informed sister Emma that she was dying to paint a “violent, bloodied nude” of her. Sister Emma politely declined, to which Susan responded, “Don’t worry, it would only be for my private viewing.” Bye, bitch.

Wagner, Grace

Grace fostered some deep connections during her first social, but when she returned the next day, she was for some reason sporting two scrunchie buns on either side of her head. Think Princess Leia, only not worn in an alternate universe, worn during recruitment, intentionally. Several sisters suggested that this was perhaps a desperate cry for help, and sister Isabella frantically pleaded that we call the police. However, it was eventually decided that Grace was just a total fucking weirdo, for which she was dropped, immediately.

Jones, Allison

Allison, an avid kickboxer who unfortunately had to experience recruitment with a broken arm, made several positive impressions on her first day. That was, until she met with Sister Jada. Jada, who has no filter but who we love dearly, immediately asked what happened to her arm. Allison told her that her arm had been broken in a savage bar fight, and added that she had been tempted to “Pop a cap in that bitch’s ass,” while laughing. Jada promptly responded, “What the actual FUCK,” and Allison was dropped for scaring the active into the fetal position after the social had ended.

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Lucky Jo is much less medicated than her mother and sister, and she tends to think that’s a good thing. She's the newest full-time addition to the Grandex office, which is probably why they gave her the shittiest desk. In her free time she enjoys scaring small children, judging her peers, and condescendingly talking to GDIs at Starbucks. Follow her on twitter for cat memes and complaints. Email her at lucy@grandex.co.

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