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Scientifically, Giving Blowjobs Make You Happier

Blowjobs

You know what the best part of giving a blowjob is? Trick question. It’s not giving a blowjob. Most girls would do basically anything to get out of giving head. And the rest of them, well, they’re liars. Or outliers. Still, for most of us, the thought of going down is enough to bring us down. We know the key to a successful relationship is having a vivacious sex life. Receiving AND giving. But dear God, at what cost? Is having a #blessed relationship worth it if you have to brush your teeth an extra time just to get the taste of his love out of your mouth (sorry, sorry)?

According to science, yes. Yes, it is worth it. And furthermore, we’re all fucking idiots and it’s our prudish faults that we’re all so miserable. Shocking. In a rivetingly disgusting article that boys will hold above our heads forever, some brains at The State University of New York found out that semen makes women happy. Yeah. I fuck you not.

From Daily Medical Informatics:

The State University of New York study – which scientists carried out via survey rather than through practical experiment – compared the sex lives of 293 females to their mental health.

It follows research which shows that seminal fluid contains chemicals that elevates mood, increases affection, induces sleep and also contains at least three anti-depressants. The researchers also claim that women who have regular unprotected sex are less depressed and perform better on cognitive tests.

Semen contains another of chemicals along with spermatozoa, including cortisol, which is known to increase affection, estrone, which elevates mood and oxytocin, which also elevates mood.

It also contains thyrotropin-releasing hormone (another antidepressant), melatonin (a sleep-inducing agent), and even serotonin (perhaps the best-known antidepressant neurotransmitter).

Given these ingredients – and this is just a small sample of the mind-altering ‘drugs’ found in human semen – Researchers Gallup and Burch, along with the psychologist Steven Platek, hypothesised that women having unprotected sex should be less depressed than suitable control participants.

In case you glazed over the sciencey stuff because you were too grossed out thinking about jizz, let me explain. According to people who are trying to ruin our lives, semen contains a whole mess of hormones that makes us feel fab. The study found that women who had swallowed and/or had unprotected sex were much less depressed than women who didn’t partake in unprotected sex and oral.

First of all, I call shenanigans. I have the strangest feeling that some horn-dog nerd in a lab coat created this study so that his girlfriend (or imaginary girlfriend) would go down on him. Second of all, most of us like to, at least, pretend that we use condoms. Now science is saying that we’ll be less depressed if we don’t wrap it? But what about the STDs? And the babies? Will we be depressed if we get those, or will everything be a-okay? I DON’T THINK SO.

And in case you didn’t projectile vomit yet, the last line of the study should do it:

Happiness levels might be related to the quantity of semen within their [womens’] body.

I fucking give up.

[via Daily Medical Informatics]

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Rachel Varina

(yeahokaywhat) Aspiring to be the next Tina Fey, Rachel spends her free time doing nothing to reach that goal. While judging people based on how they use "they're" vs. "there" on social media, she likes eating buffalo chicken dip, watching other people's Netflix, and wearing sweatpants way more than is socially acceptable. Hate mail and puppy videos can be sent to: rachel@grandex.co

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