Six Things To Expect From A Basic Girlfriend


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There are different types of girlfriends; sweet and loving, desperate, psychotic, and basic. Each girlfriend has their own characteristics that put them in one of these categories. Basic chicks have basic relationships, obviously. But how do you know if you are one of these girlfriends?

Basic Girlfriends On Holidays

Whether it is Halloween, Valentine’s Day, or National Ice Cream Day, if you’re a basic girlfriend you will have it all planned out from the moment you two first lock eyes. Having a guy who will dress up as Bugs Bunny while you get dolled up like Lola is what you live for during Halloween. Before the big day, however, his ass better take you to a Halloween haunted house attraction, because what’s more romantic than having someone chase you with a chainsaw? Thanksgiving was created for Instagram pictures with the caption, “So thankful for this handsome man…blah blah blah…gobble gobble.”

December rolls around, and in order to get prepared for Christmas, he and you go ice skating around a perfectly lit up Christmas tree. And if there’s not a picture of you two smooching under mistletoe, did Christmas even happen? Come New Year’s Eve, your fella needs to sweep you off your feet as soon as the clock strikes midnight and plant one on you like the world is crashing and burning, even though it’s clearly not. And on February 14th, all you truly want is a bouquet of roses, chocolate fresh out of Belgium, a breathtaking date at a fancy and unaffordable restaurant (he needs to have reservations), an authentic and thoughtful present, rose petals on the bed, luxurious wine, a love letter, a puppy carrying said letter, and that’s about it. That’s not too much to ask for or anything.

Dying Easter eggs and wearing clothes that look like pastels threw up on you is an absolute must if you are going to celebrate the holiday together, which let’s be real, he doesn’t really have a choice. The Fourth of July will be spent with the two of you in matching American flag shirts while you set off red, white, and blue fireworks after a BBQ. When your relatives meet him at any family gathering, you assure them that he is “the one”, and they no longer have to keep asking why you’re still single.

Basic Girlfriends On Presents

In addition to holidays, presents are a big contribution to a relationship. And where do you get gift inspiration? Pinterest. In fact, most of the relationship is built on ideas you find on Pinterest. Your boyfriend doesn’t know it, because he would run if he ever saw your wedding board, so you just hide what you are pinning every night. A few presents you give your main squeeze are mason jars with random shit in it, “Open When…” notes, matching coffee mugs, and of course, photo albums. But don’t forget that giving presents at random is the best time to give them, according to Pinterest users. To sum it up, your gifts are special in your mind, but really the boyfriend gift guide is just on Pinterest.

Basic Girlfriends On Food

Many times when you go on a date, your beau will want to take you out to eat. It’s frightening to think how much possibility there is for you to gain 65 pounds while dating this man. After you dive into a dish meant for two people at restaurants, you occasionally feel guilty and need to work out. So you grab your Norts, some tennis shoes, and your boyfriend. You people are going hiking, because that’s super creative and no other couples do it. It also makes you ten times more attracted to him when he fetches you your favorite food and drinks. But the best part of when boyfriends and food collide is all of the Instagram pictures. Those chocolate milkshakes the two of you just ordered aren’t meant for slurping, they are meant for a photo-op.

Basic Girlfriends On Social Media

What better way to label your relationship than instantly changing your Facebook status within the first ten minutes of becoming official? And once Facebook declares you a valid couple, you fully commit yourself to being a slave of Instagram. Every *special* moment needs to be captured for you to show your followers. You have pictures at the beach throwing your arms around him. And Ansel Adams would applaud you if he saw the artsy photo of your boyfriend’s boat shoes facing your sandals suggesting you’re sucking face. This is undoubtedly the most important social media platform. Snapchat is a way to have virtual show-and-tell of your trip to the zoo with him, just so your friends know what the both of you are up to. Twitter is used to reinforce the characteristics of your relationship. Memes, funny videos, and just holding conversations on this popular site are ways of showing the world how close the two of you actually are. Why you can’t just use your phones to text each other this stuff is unclear. But it’s your relationship. Carry on.

Basic Girlfriends On Dates

As soon as the leaves change and PSLs return to coffee shops, you tell your sweetheart to grab some carving knives and rakes. You sons of bitches are going to carve some fucking pumpkins and play in dead leaves. Carnivals can be adorable too. Bitches love when their man wins them a stuffed animal that they will never do anything with, as well as playing tonsil hockey on top of a ferris wheel. Let’s not forget wine tasting and brunch. These dates usually happen on Sunday afternoons because somehow wine and mimosas makes you feel classy after all of the vodka shots he bought you the night before. When there is snow on the ground, layered clothing, and hot chocolate in your freezing hands it means it’s that time of year again. ‘Tis the season to be jolly, make gingerbread houses, drive around to look at Christmas decorations, and above all else, be a plain duo. Concerts give you a place to go dancing, and you can’t help but love when your bodies are rubbing against each other. It makes you excited for what’s to come later in the night without clothing.

Basic Girlfriends On Sex

Anything but BDSM.

As long as you aren’t a deranged girlfriend, you’re doing just fine in this relationship, regardless of how people consider it to be basic AF.

Kellie, spelled with an "ie," practically resides at Starbucks even though they have yet to spell her name correctly. She's obsessed with the color pink, Elle Woods, and Bitmoji's. Her biggest accomplishment is breaking the record within her sorority for how many standards hearings she has had without getting kicked out. She spends her free time trying to stay tan (i.e. sunburnt) and stalking people on social media.

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