So There’s An Armed, Naked Candy Bandit Running Rampant In South Carolina


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It’s September, bitches. You know what that means? Soon you’ll be squeezing into your slutty Halloween costume and getting yo’ fall on. You know what else that means? That same costume won’t fix the next day, because you’ll be ten pounds heavier from all the candy and spiked cider you shoved down your gullet. God, I love this season.

Drinking aside, autumn really is the best time of the year, because everybody starts putting on some serious poundage in preparation for the winter months. Which is probably why a nude South Carolina man robbed a convenience store at gunpoint, escaping only with an undisclosed amount of Reese’s peanut butter cups. Solid choice, but I think Ding Dongs would’ve been more appropriate for this particular situation.

Why was he naked, you ask? I can’t be sure. The suspect apparently only wore a bandana over his eyes and a pair of black shoes. Which begs the question, why didn’t he steal cash in order to buy himself a pair of pants? Answer: Candy is more important. Obviously.

Police are still searching for the man, probably because the suspect description was ridiculously vague; A witness guessed his age to be “between 18 and 30.” I don’t blame anyone for failing to notice age when there’s a flaccid schlong bouncing to and fro, though.

If you’re in South Carolina, hide yo kids, hide yo wife, and hide yo husband. But most importantly, hide yo candy.

[via The Smoking Gun]

Image via Leena Robinson /

Lucky Jo is much less medicated than her mother and sister, and she tends to think that’s a good thing. She's the newest full-time addition to the Grandex office, which is probably why they gave her the shittiest desk. In her free time she enjoys scaring small children, judging her peers, and condescendingly talking to GDIs at Starbucks. Follow her on twitter for cat memes and complaints. Email her at

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