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So There’s An Armed, Naked Candy Bandit Running Rampant In South Carolina

NakedCandyBandit

It’s September, bitches. You know what that means? Soon you’ll be squeezing into your slutty Halloween costume and getting yo’ fall on. You know what else that means? That same costume won’t fix the next day, because you’ll be ten pounds heavier from all the candy and spiked cider you shoved down your gullet. God, I love this season.

Drinking aside, autumn really is the best time of the year, because everybody starts putting on some serious poundage in preparation for the winter months. Which is probably why a nude South Carolina man robbed a convenience store at gunpoint, escaping only with an undisclosed amount of Reese’s peanut butter cups. Solid choice, but I think Ding Dongs would’ve been more appropriate for this particular situation.

Why was he naked, you ask? I can’t be sure. The suspect apparently only wore a bandana over his eyes and a pair of black shoes. Which begs the question, why didn’t he steal cash in order to buy himself a pair of pants? Answer: Candy is more important. Obviously.

Police are still searching for the man, probably because the suspect description was ridiculously vague; A witness guessed his age to be “between 18 and 30.” I don’t blame anyone for failing to notice age when there’s a flaccid schlong bouncing to and fro, though.

If you’re in South Carolina, hide yo kids, hide yo wife, and hide yo husband. But most importantly, hide yo candy.

[via The Smoking Gun]

Image via Leena Robinson / Shutterstock.com

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Lucky Jo

Lucky Jo is a former and current TSM writer who likes her men how she likes her coffee: way too hot and unforgivably bitter. She graduated from the University of Missouri in 2016, proving that C's do in fact get degrees. She now spends her days working for a social media marketing agency, hiking with her dachshund, and trying to bring back the scrunchie. Hate mail and goat memes can be sent to lucyjmulvihill@gmail.com.

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