You’re out with your friends at your favorite bar. All of you are finally off work and free of your boyfriends (looking at you, Jessica) on the same night and you’re antsy to get drunk and dance together. You’ve waited in line to get in, waited in line at the bathroom, waited in line at the bar, and now you’re ready for the night to begin. The DJ is killin’ it. It’s nothing like the “Drunk Bitches” playlist that you made on Spotify, but it’s still pretty good. It’s banger after banger after throwback after banger. The perfect ratio of dance songs and singing songs. Girls’ night is going entirely smoothly. No one is looking over their shoulder for potential prey, no one is crying, it’s flawless. Until suddenly, a song comes on. The one song that you don’t know. Your friends shriek in excitement as panic crashes over your body. What do you do now?
Not knowing a song won’t make you a social pariah, but the way that you react to it can make or break you. No matter what you do, do not admit that you don’t know the song. You have been on a solid streak for the whole night. Because everyone knows that you know most songs, they will make a big deal if you don’t. They will get in your face about it and it will ruin the night. So for the sake of yourself and all of GNO, keep your mouth shut and play it cool.
This is not the time to overcompensate. Don’t fake a coughing fit. Don’t start screaming a pointless story and piss off your friends who are trying to listen to the song. You need to make subtle movements to cover up your non-singing mouth. The easiest thing to do is dance with your head down and arm up. This move can only last for a few seconds. Then transition to a very, very long sip of your drink. The trick is to never stop dancing to insinuate that while your mouth is moving, you are singing with your body because you DEFINITELY know the words. After the first 30 seconds or so, you’ll probably be able to pick up at least the melody. Listen to the words and try to guess the last word of the line. It’ll probably rhyme with the one before and will have to make sense in the context of the song. This is a complex task, but do you want to tell your friends that you don’t know the words? Even Nicole knows this song, and she listens exclusively to country.
If worse comes to worst, flea. Get outta there as ASAP as possible. Make up any excuse that you can come up with. You need to pee again. You need another drink. You need to go in a corner and fart. You’ve embarrassed yourself enough already, so don’t worry about what they think of your excuse and leave. Get out of there before anyone can catch a glimpse of your mumbling mouth. The advanced can Shazaam the song and take a quick peep at the lyrics before confidently returning with at least the chorus down pat. But, it’s probably best to just lay low until the next song comes on. Oh, is that The Chainsmokers playing? Get back out there girl. Crisis averted..
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Ali Hin
A born and raised Jersey girl, she can always be found covered in sand and pizza sauce. Her personal brand is "that girl." She prefers wine in bottles because she thinks outside of the box. Send fan mail to [email protected] or by smoke signal.
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