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Social Media Ranked By How Good It Is As A Stalking Mechanism

Social Media

6. LinkedIn

There are really only three reasons to LinkedIn stalk someone:

1. You are unable to find them anywhere else on the whole internet, in which case, you’re not a very good stalker and you have so much to learn, so read on.
2. You only know their first name and their job, so this is your “in” to find out more and let the real stalking begin.
3. You can’t remember what they do for a living, and this person hasn’t updated their job on Facebook in years, because who updates anything on Facebook?

A person’s resume is the most boring thing about them, so their LinkedIn is the most boring version of a person, digitally. What’s worse, it’s dangerous. People can see who viewed their LinkedIn page, so you’ve got to be careful and TRIPLE check to make sure you’re really logged out before you do your lurking, and find, virtually no information. You can’t figure out if he fucked Sarah just because she endorsed him in social media. Useless.

5. Whitepages/Zillow

Is it normal to find a guy’s parents’ names on Facebook, search them on Whitepages, and then Zillow the house where he grew up to try to figure out how much they make? I don’t know. Is a silly thing like the word “normal” going to stop me from doing it? Absolutely not. This is a great insight into what kind of future life you’ll be living as you’re welcomed, with open arms, into their family, so long as they don’t realize you’re a psychopath.

This ranks higher as you get older and guys start buying their own homes, and you can really figure out what kind of white picket fence you’ll be rocking some day. You don’t get a ton of information out of this, but the information you do get is worth knowing.

4. Snapchat

Snapchat has its ups and downs. Back in the heyday, you could find out so much information about a person by figuring out their best friends, and that was a QUALITY way to drive yourself insane. But the app has implemented new features that provide for some pretty good stalking opportunities — namely, the story. All you have to do is friend him, and everyone he ever hangs out with, and you get a live feed of what he’s doing at all times! This, of course, is an awesome upgrade to the ole driveby or call-and-hang-up tricks our mothers had to do, but it’s not entirely comprehensive. You want a social medium that will tell you his present, his past, and information about every single person he interacts with. All Snapchat really tells you outside a 24-hour window is how much he interacts with you.

3. Facebook

People want to hate on Facebook because moms they think moms have overtaken it and ruined it. They’re not wrong. If you’re posting, often, to Facebook, that’s a red flag. But the fact remains that Facebook is your “home base” on the internet. It’s just something that you have to have to say “hi. I exist in the digital world.” It’s the easiest way to find someone, virtually, because it’s literally just the person’s name and not some handle you have to guess. You can even just search someone’s phone number if that’s all you have, and get you your man. From there, you can find pretty much everything about a person. You can see photos from as far back as the heart desires. You can find exes. You can find friends. You can find any and all family members. And most importantly, you can find other social media, because pretty much the only reason to use Facebook is to upload your photos from Instagram, the real money maker.

2. Instagram

You think Instagram is the top of the line. It’s where you want to do most of your stalking. It’s where you do do most of your stalking. But is it really the best? No. Because it’s where they’re at their best. It’s a perfectly curated feed. You’re not getting down to the nitty gritty. Sure, this is where the bulk of your interactions are going to take place. This is where you’re going to see which bitches need to get put in their place. But this is glam. What you really need to get to know who a person is, not just who they want to be….

1. Twitter

Not everyone is a Twitter person. I get that. It’s dying out for many. But if you’re not on Twitter, you need to get back to it, because it is truly the best. This is where you get to see not only how a person looks, but what’s in their soul. You get to see personality. You get to see drunken thoughts. You get to see what they like. You get to see, just….everything. Twitter for the win.

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Veronica Ruckh

Veronica (@VeronicaRuckh) is the Director of Total Sorority Move for Grandex, Inc. After having spent her undergraduate years drinking $4 double LITs on a patio and drunk texting away potential suitors, she managed to graduate with an impressive GPA and an unimpressive engagement ring -- so unimpressive, in fact, some might say it's not there at all. Veronica has since been fulfilling her duties as "America's big," a title she gave to herself with the help of her giant ego. She has recently switched from vodka to wine on weekdays. Email her at veronica@grandex.co

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