Blah blah blah, we shouldn’t stereotype. But stereotypes are fun. So here are a few tips to help you land (or at least deal with) a man of your choosing.
A Man in Uniform
Before falling for your ideal, all-American hero, there are a few things you must first understand. This patriotic version of perfection has been mentally, and physically trained to protect anything that he loves and stands for. If you are a lucky little Betsy Ross, and you snag your dream soldier, be prepared for a relationship. Maybe it’s the lack of attractive female company they keep on site, or the fact that the military forced them to mature exponentially faster than their douchey peers, but these guys are oddly willing to settle down. I find it hard to draw attention to any negative experiences with these men, because even though I have come across a few, I know many more success stories than not. Also, I’m not about to throw anyone doing 2 tours in Iraq under the bus.
Tip: Know your politics, and don’t hate on Bush.
We all know what I am talking about. I’m sure I don’t need to tell you that if a guy talks badly about his mother at any point in time, run. If he is disrespecting his mother, he sure as hell won’t be respecting you any time soon. However, the other extreme might be just as terrifying. This guy’s mother will call incessantly, send him excessive numbers of care packages, travel to do his laundry, and he will think this is normal and expect a similar ass-kissing from you. Heed this warning: This woman will either be your best friend, or your worst enemy. If she decides to talk to her son about you in any negative light…say goodbye. The momma’s boy really believes that “mother knows best” even if mother is a psychopath. If you’ve had the misfortune of landing yourself on her bad side, she will make you uncomfortable at all costs to keep you away from her “baby.” Alternatively, if she’s decided you are “girlfriend material” for her “handsome boy” she will demand that you live next door to her after the wedding she is already planning for the two of you. No thanks, mom.
Tip: Learn to cook.
Athletes are undeniably an irresistible chapter in any female’s life. Throw some football pants on that cocky attitude and you’ve got a dream-guy. Ladies, beware: these men are consistent in only one area…and that is change. Athletes in college are flings; they’re only there for a make out sesh or a one-night stand. They aren’t boyfriend material until they are riding the bench or out on injury. They share your life with the team, and shower with other men. Best of luck to all who chose to rush that field.
Tip: Don’t complain about ESPN. It’s not so bad and super annoying when you tell them to turn it off. Also, don’t bitch about them “chewing.” You wanted an athlete, so it’s probably spot on to assume that he spits and you swallow.
These gentlemen are good for all sorts of things…crush dance, barn dance, formal, etc. They are dates. They are the boys we look for the minute we walk into a bar and want a shot of something that will make us feel like Kate Middleton. Don’t expect commitment, but if the rare offer is on the table, run with it. A lavaliere is the highest form of flattery, respect, and commitment you will receive from any fraternity man, and it should be appreciated as such. But let’s face it, most of these fratty boy toys just want one thing. Don’t get too caught up on a man in letters. There are house-fulls of guys just like him.
Tip: If you want to be with a frat star, date like a srat star. They love to see you in their T-shirt more than you love wearing it to bed.
These are the boys that just make you want to say “aww.” These are the socially awk guys that don’t really know how to date or get you all hot and bothered. All they know is that they think you look a lot like Princess Leah (or whoever that chick with the braids is from Startreck) in your black leggings. They are more into video games than you are into shopping, Facebook creeping, and staring at yourself in the mirror combined. Not my glass of wine, but to each her own. If however, this is your man, learn how to alter your sex appeal.
Tip: Get used to the occasional comic book convention.