It’s not uncommon for my friends and me to divulge painfully descriptive details of our conquests during our usual Sunday morning brunch. Literally nothing is off limits or too awkward to say out loud, and besides, everyone knows brunch is a judge-free zone. I’ve heard it all, from freaky kinks to awkward sexuals mishaps to first time butt stuff tales and everything in between. Nothing has ever made me cringe or recoil in horror, except for this.
Kasey was a newer addition to our brunch squad. She was younger and less experienced than the rest of us, but we took her under our wing as our slutty protégé. We were terrible influences on her, but she didn’t seem to mind. She had just started seeing a new guy and when it was her turn to spill the raunchy deets about their first time making the sex, she held nothing back.
“We went back to his place and immediately begin ripping each others’ clothes off and he did not disappoint. You could bounce a rock off those abs,” she told us. “I was half impressed and half self-conscious because my body looks like a sack of potatoes next to his. We got the bed, dry humped for a little while, and then I blew him. Luckily, it was only for a few minutes before he pulled me back up and I got on top on him. It didn’t last very long, but other than that I’d say it was a pretty decent performance. There’s room for improvement, but I’d give it a 7/10.”
I paused. Did I miss something? The waiter had dropped off another round of mimosas in the middle her story, but I thought I was paying attention. I asked her just to be sure.
“Wait. So he didn’t go down on you?” I questioned.
“No,” she replied, “but sometimes guys don’t, you know?”
No, actually, I don’t know. What is this blasphemy Kasey speaks of? I had always received oral before sex, and I had definitely always received oral if I gave it to him first. There has never been one occasion in my life where a guy has not taken a little detour to my forbidden flower before going to pound town. And even if he doesn’t get there on his own, I give him a little nudge in that direction with a comment like “my turn now.” Because, yeah, if I’m going to put a dick in my mouth, I expect you to give me a little something-something in return. I scratch your back, you scratch mine, or in this case, I put your genitals in my mouth, you put my genitals to yours. It’s common courtesy.
Why did I always insist on getting oral after I give it? Because oral is fucking great. It might even be better than sex, but that’s neither here nor there. The point is, it’s basically a pre sex requirement, or at least that’s what I thought.
“So…. you’re saying…. sometimes you’ll blow a guy and he won’t go down on you in return?” I asked her.
“Yeah, it’s not like an every time thing. I guess some guys don’t like it,” she said.
“Oh, but you like giving blow jobs?” I retorted back.
“No, not really, but I just feel like I kind of have to, you know? How else are you supposed to have sex?” she answered.
There. That was it. I found the problem. She feels like she has to blow guys to get sex going, and yeah, you kind of do. Not to get too National Geographic on you, but two dry sexual organs do not make for a fun experience. Unless you’re carrying around little bottle of lube everywhere you go, you need a way to get wet down there. Both of you. Yes, you can always use your hands, but mouths are more enjoyable for both parties. Ask any guy if he prefers a hand job over a blow job and 100 percent of them will say no. Wetter is better, as I always like to say. Kasey had aced her portion of the assignment, but where she went wrong is letting the guys skip past their part.
A guy who “doesn’t like” giving head should never expect to get a blow job in his entire life. If I’m not getting mine, you shouldn’t be getting yours either. Sex is a trade-off, a give and take. Guys who don’t give head are probably only like that because girls like Kasey let them get away with it. A few girls didn’t ask or make a big deal out of it because they didn’t want to seem demanding or bossy and those guys just went along with it and thought they could just not go down on a girl. But can you imagine if girls did the same? Can you imagine sex without any kind of oral beforehand? Tragic.
If you like oral and you’re not getting it enough, you need to reevaluate why you’re having sex in the first place. The point of sex is to fulfill your needs and make you happy. Not to make a guy like you (it will never work), not to see what he looks like naked (that’s what nudes are for) and not to get back at or forget about your ex. It’s for you. You should be enjoying it just as much as he is. If he doesn’t go down on you automatically, give him a little direction. You shouldn’t be scared to tell him what you want, because how else are you going to get what you want out of sex? Unless you just straight up hate receiving oral, there should be no reason as to why you’re not getting it every time you give it to him.
You need to stop giving head if you’re not getting it in return. A guy who doesn’t want to go down on you but expects you to go down on him is not the kind of guy you should keep around. Stop allowing these guys get away with this shit. Tell them what you want. Stand up for yourselves. Stand up for your vaginas. Stand up for your orgasms, because we all know we can’t count on guys to do it. It doesn’t matter if he’s Zac Efron — if he’s selfish in bed, he’s probably a selfish prick in real life, and you’re only allowed to be an asshole if you make up for it in the bedroom.
And if he still doesn’t want to go down on you after you tell him to, dump his ass and find someone who will. .
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Cristina Montemayor
Cristina is a Grandex Writer and Content Manager. She was an intern for over two years before she graduated a semester early to write about college full time, which makes absolutely no sense. She regretfully considers herself a Carrie, but is first and foremost a Rory. She tends to draw strong reactions from people. They are occasionally positive. You can find her in a bar as you're bending down to tie your shoes, drinking Dos XX and drunk crying to Elton John. Email her: [email protected] (not .com).
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