At the risk of sounding like your mom, it doesn’t matter if all of your friends are doing it. Going through someone else’s phone is wrong. It’s an invasion of privacy. And while it probably isn’t going to be a deal breaker in most relationships, it’s not “not a big deal.” Like, it’s not a psycho move like keying his car, but it’s not something you should expect your boyfriend to be okay with.
Going through phones is a right reserved for parents with rebellious teenagers. Not for you, just to make sure he’s not cheating on you. I get it, if there is something to find, that bad thing outweighs the bad of going through his phone. I have gone through one boyfriend’s phone one time, found his X rated messages to his fugly side bitch, and he tried to pull the whole “I’m going to turn this around and try to make you feel bad about invading my privacy” stint. It’s an asshole move and not valid at all. But the point was I was dating an asshole, who did asshole things like cyber cheat on me.
Had I dated a better guy, I wouldn’t have had been in the situation where I suspected he was cheating in the first place. Had I dated a better guy, I would have believed him when he promised me that he wasn’t talking to her. Finding the “proof” of his infidelity shouldn’t have been why I broke up with him. I should have broken up with him when he gave me so many reasons not to trust him.
I’m not saying it’s your fault if someone cheats on you, but I am saying it’s your fault for ignoring the signs. There are only two valid reasons for checking his messages. Either you are incredibly insecure and need constant validation, or he has done/said something that made you honestly worry. If you feel the need to check his phone, no matter who the guy is, no matter the situation, honestly maybe you’re not mature enough to be in a relationship.
But if you have a real reason to suspect your boyfriend or girlfriend is cheating on you then you need to stop playing games and ask them. If they say no and you still don’t believe them, then you need to woman up and just walk away. What good does it do to have proof? Either you’re right and you have the heartbreak of seeing it with our own eyes, or you’re wrong and have to admit to yourself that there is some other reason why you don’t trust them.
Once you are at the point of snooping, not finding evidence will not be enough to set your mind at ease. It may be for the moment, but soon enough you’ll feel the need to check again. Just to make sure. Which isn’t fair to your partner or to you. Why would you want to be in a relationship with someone whose word you ultimately do not trust? What happens if two years down the line they do cheat? Or, more realistically, they get caught cheating for the first time? You will be heartbroken and cry about the two plus years of “good times” wasted when in reality it wasn’t even that good a time.
If you spend your entire relationship trying to catch him cheating, then that wasn’t a good relationship, regardless of the good times. Again, it’s not your fault if someone else cheats, but at some point you need to have a harsh talk with yourself and admit that you don’t trust the person you’re with. It doesn’t matter if they cheated or not at that point. That should be the end of it.
Stop normalizing anti-trust relationships. Stop validating your insecurities. Either you trust your partner to respect you or you don’t. And if you’re one of the girls who honestly thinks you have a “right” to go through his phone regardless of him giving you a reason to, then you need to stop disrespecting your relationships. Once that respect is gone the relationship isn’t healthy..