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Subtle Ways To Claim Physical Ownership Over Your Boyfriend

One of the best parts of having a boyfriend is obviously being able to tell everyone that you have a boyfriend. I’m assuming. I don’t actually have a boyfriend, but it seems pretty dope. But you don’t want to just go all out telling people about your relationship, because you will sound like a douchebag. Instead, you must take small physical cues, and through your body language, let people know that this your fire hydrant to pee on, and you will not have any other bitches sniffing around what’s yours.

The “Look What I Caught” Arm

Look What I Caught
A classic. So classic that it’s almost not subtle any more. The most unnatural way to pose for a photo with a man is to put your hand on his chest, close to his heart, so you know exactly where to crush him should any girl so much as look at him for more than three seconds in a row. It signifies to the world “this man is not my brother, or my friend, in case you’re trying to figure out what our relationship to one another is as you stalk me. He is my property. I mean boyfriend. Jealous?”

Modified Bootbae

Bootbae
Derived from the tale of the epic hero who literally blocked another girl from walking up to her boyfriend via her high-waisted boot, this modified version will work just fine. You can accomplish this by slinging your knee in front of a man’s crotch as if to say “no female shall cross.” Romantic dip, optional.

Feet On The Dashboard

Feet
Does anyone actually feel the need to put their feet up on the dash? Or is it more just a physical proclamation that this is my boyfriend, and this is his car. I certainly never put my feet up in literally anyone else’s car, but this is kind of just like a “my man lets me do whatever I want with his belongings, even if it’s lowkey kind of gross. Also, yay for reclining whilst I’m driven around like a princess.”

Pop His Pimples

Pop Pimple
I LOVE popping pimples. I love it. But the only thing more satisfying than a good extraction is a good extraction on a man you’re seeing. Like a monkey picking fleas, you are grooming him to your liking. And as you see a blackhead leave his skin, it’s like you’re responsible for a little piece of his soul leaving as well. Both the dirt and the soul now belong to you, and it feels oh so good.

Steal His Fries In Public

Steal His Fries
I have never in my life been out with a group of girlfriends and felt like I couldn’t order my own fries. And even with a guy, it’s not even that I’m embarrassed to get my own, or trying to be health conscious. There’s something about taking the food off of his plate that just makes you feel like such a “we.” We finish each other’s sandwiches, ya know? What’s yours is mine, and what’s mine is mine.

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Veronica Ruckh

Veronica (@VeronicaRuckh) is the Director of Total Sorority Move for Grandex, Inc. After having spent her undergraduate years drinking $4 double LITs on a patio and drunk texting away potential suitors, she managed to graduate with an impressive GPA and an unimpressive engagement ring -- so unimpressive, in fact, some might say it's not there at all. Veronica has since been fulfilling her duties as "America's big," a title she gave to herself with the help of her giant ego. She has recently switched from vodka to wine on weekdays. Email her at veronica@grandex.co

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