Taylor Swift Defends Her Love Life, Claiming To Have Dated “Two” Guys Since 2010

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Nice Move

I have always hated Taylor Swift. Always. Before it was cool to hate Taylor Swift, I hated Taylor Swift. It’s not because she’s dated every male in Hollywood that will have her. I have lots of friends who…date around, and I think that’s great for them. I don’t even hate her because the only thing she seems to be able to write about are her failed “relationships.” That’s fine. Like Tay Tay, I’m a 23-year-old female writer, and at this juncture in my life I write about boys a lot too. Mind you, that’s not the only thing I write about, and sometimes I put pen to paper about the times I’ve had the upperhand, rather than just always being hopelessly heart-broken, but you know what? We can’t all be me.

What I hate about her is how out of touch she is with reality (and also how awkward and attention whorish she is in interviews, but that’s irrelevant, for the time being). All of the things that make her unhappy are the result of someone having “wronged” her. She plays the victim card constantly, and is only able to view things from her own perspective. I first felt this with “You Belong With Me,” which is a song about a nerd trying to steal the hot, popular boyfriend from the hot, popular girl. Do you know how many nerdy girls have that fantasy? All of them. Do you know how many of those popular boys were secretly in love with the nerd? None of them.

I am pretty comfortable in my belief that every guy who’s broken her heart since then wasn’t actually the monster she made him out to be. She just assumes that all of these guys are as prematurely in love with her as she is with them, and then freaks the fuck out when they’re not. A little introspection could help her realize this, and perhaps take some of the blame in the breakups. She needs to realize that she, like everyone else in the world, is fallible. Once she can accept her flaws, and laugh at the situation that is her love life, she can stop making snarky comments and getting so bitter about everything all the time.

In an interview she recently gave to Vanity Fair, while “drinking lavender lemonade in her ‘Tim Burton–Alice in Wonderland–pirate ship–Peter Pan’ apartment,” Swift defends her love life with lies, and bitchy comments, showing that she has absolutely no sense of humor. Her interviewer, Nancy Jo Sales, begins by imploring about the super hilarious jab Tina Fey and Amy Poehler took at T-Swift at the Golden Globes.

“You know, Katie Couric is one of my favorite people, because she said to me she had heard a quote that she loved, that said, ‘There’s a special place in hell for women who don’t help other women.’”

First of all, I really don’t think that quote applies to this situation at all. What exactly do you need “help” with here? Or are you just saying that all women should band together in the fight against men? Not all of us view it as a battle that we need “help” with. If that is, however, your point, I think you should reevaluate what happened at the Golden Globes. Fey actually was trying to help. She suggested you stay away from Michael J. Fox’s son, and take some “me time,” and I think it would behoove you to heed that advice.

Secondly, she’s one of your favorite people because she requoted that feminist garbage? Tina Fey and Amy Poehler are comedians. Don’t you think it’s a little self-righteous to assume that you should be spared from their teasing, which is all in good fun, because you and they alike were born with fallopian tubes? Do you truly believe the joke they made at your expense, the joke that everyone makes about you, was SO offensive that it could be considered evil? Why don’t you just take a step back, show some class, and laugh about it, because you have, in fact, been party to many very public failed relationships. It’s not a big deal.

“If you want some big revelation, since 2010 I have dated exactly two people.”

I’m sure you’re all wondering which two she’s referring to, but apparently the “two” men she’s dated in the past two years are Conor Kennedy, and Harry Styles. Assigning temporal value to things can be hard, Taylor, I know, but those two were just two people you’ve dated in 2012. Just because some time has elapsed, doesn’t mean we’ve forgotten about the other lovers you’ve had. What about John Mayer? Zac Efron? Jake Gyllenhal? Cory Monteith? Eddie Redmayne? I suppose it’s possible that Kennedy and Styles were the only two out of the group who believed you were in an actual relationship, but you were definitely dating all of them, no matter what you tell Ellen. The real question here is why you think that the boyfriends you had before 2010 don’t count? I seem to recall you getting cozy with Joe Jonas, Taylor Lautner, and that gay back-up “star” from your “You Belong With Me” music video.

“[t]he fact that there are slide shows of a dozen guys that I either hugged on a red carpet or met for lunch or wrote a song with. . . it’s just kind of ridiculous. It’s why I have to avoid the tabloid part of our culture, because they turn you into a fictional character.”

The fact that there are slideshows of you and a dozen different guys you’ve been with is not something you should repeat, but more importantly, no one makes assumptions after having seen one picture. You’re continually spotted with these guys. That’s not fiction, it’s vision. That’s why people assume you are seeing them. It’s not a ridiculous conclusion to jump to. Perhaps if the moment you stopped “meeting them for lunch,” you didn’t immediately write some pathetic song about how he was soooo horrible for not wanting to be your happily ever after, people would stop thinking that.

“For a female to write about her feelings, and then be portrayed as some clingy, insane, desperate girlfriend in need of making you marry her and have kids with her, I think that’s taking something that potentially should be celebrated—a woman writing about her feelings in a confessional way—that’s taking it and turning it and twisting it into something that is frankly a little sexist.”

But Taylor, you do seem desperate, and clingy, and insane. You write about having been in love with every guy you “allegedly” date, and you do talk about marrying them, and waiting outside their back doors for them to come home. It’s one thing to talk about feelings, but it’s quite another to paint yourself as the girl who cried “dumped.” I know the words you use in your creative pieces might be exaggerated, but it’s not just that. Don’t you think it might be a tad clingy, desperate, and insane to buy a house just because it will shorten the commute to your boyfriends’ (of under six months) homes.

“People say that about me, that I apparently buy houses near every boy I like—that’s a thing that I apparently do. If I like you I will apparently buy up the real-estate market just to freak you out so you leave me.”

Yeah, in fact, that is apparent. You did buy a property near both of your recent boyfriends. Nobody’s making that up. The Cape Cod Times report that the sales had been made to your management company. And just so you know, overuse of sarcasm implies guilt. I’m onto you.

Now for the best part…

Although one of Swift’s rules is that she doesn’t go into the personal details of any of her relationships…

I’m sorry, what? Every song she writes goes into the personal details of her relationships.

“She authorized someone to discuss them with Sales.”

Oh, I get it. Taylor can’t talk about the relationships herself, so she can maintain the image that she is nice and doesn’t talk shit, but she can assign someone to do it for her. Makes sense.

“He wore her down,” the source says of Styles, who allegedly “chased” Swift for a year. “He was all, like, ‘You’re amazing—I want to be with you. I want to do this.’”

Unless he’d never read a magazine, or heard a single song she’d written, I doubt that. No one chases a psychopath who is going to ultimately try to publicly humiliate them, and no one wants to date a person who’s already dated everyone else.

The relationship fell apart after he texted Swift to alert her of a picture on the Internet of him kissing a friend good-bye. They were “making out like with their hands all up in each other’s hair,” says the source. After Swift ended the relationship, he pursued her for the better part of a year until she finally took him back. “But the whole time she says she feels like he’s looking at every girl,” the source continues. And then when they were in London together he “disappears one night and after that it was like he just didn’t want to keep going.” Styles’s rep, Benny Tarantini at Columbia Records, said that all of Swift’s source’s claims are “undeniably false.”

Who to believe. The girl who has literally lied about every detail about every other relationship she’s had in an attempt to save face, or the guy who got caught up with her.

“It was like a pendulum for her, swinging back and forth,” the source says of Swift’s exes, with all of whom age has been a problem. Conor Kennedy, 17 at the time, was “just like a two-month thing,” the source continues, and Swift “says he was awesome.”

Yes, Taylor. A minor, who due to lack of experience, might not realize just how insufferable you are would seem “awesome” in comparison to all the guys who realize the way you behave in relationships isn’t normal.

“She dated Jake [Gyllenhaal] and John [Mayer] when she was really young and they were in their 30s, and she got really hurt. So it was like ‘That hurt—this won’t. But then it did.’”

Wait, I thought she’d only dated Kennedy and Styles since 2010? Now, I’m confused.

Clearly the girl needs a break from the dating scene, but more importantly, she needs to cut the shit, and just start being honest. People will stop judging her, and maybe she can grow as an artist, and shit, maybe even as a person, as a result.

[via Vanity Fair]

Image via Vanity Fair

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Veronica (@VeronicaRuckh) is the Director of Total Sorority Move for Grandex, Inc. After having spent her undergraduate years drinking $4 double LITs on a patio and drunk texting away potential suitors, she managed to graduate with an impressive GPA and an unimpressive engagement ring -- so unimpressive, in fact, some might say it's not there at all. Veronica has since been fulfilling her duties as "America's big," a title she gave to herself with the help of her giant ego. She has recently switched from vodka to wine on weekdays. Email her at veronica@grandex.co

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