Tinder is the best confidence booster there is, without having to leave the comfort of your own home. I’ve been waiting with bated breath for the first couple that met on Tinder to get married, and luckily, a girl from my high school is doing just that. Romance is real, you guys. If you’re not on Tinder, you’re missing out on the opportunity to meet the man of your dreams… or a hotbed of men with murder eyes who are barely closeted, very married, or both. If Tinder was your guiltiest pleasure this year, you know that sometimes you have to swipe left, especially if the gentleman in question has a shirtless mirror selfie – this isn’t MySpace, and I don’t want to see your disgustingly dirty bathroom with a secret surprise in the toilet while you strike a pudgey pose. I’m also not interested if you’re with your loving wife or child(ren), you crop your head off in every picture (are you the Elephant Man?), or you look like you have girls tied up in your basement (and not in the fun, 50 Shades kind of way). Unfortunately, if you fall under any of the aforementioned type of Tinder man, I’m not going to meet up with you tonight, no matter how many times you message me your exact GPS coordinates. After all, if you kidnap me I won’t be able to judge guys on my iPhone in 2014, and that sounds boring. As the voice of our generation, Flo Rida, said, “It’s going down, we matched on Tinder.”
2. Candy Crush
Sure, it’s addictive and awful, but it’s also an amazing way to kill time whether you’re lying half-alive, hungover in bed or secretly crushing it from underneath your Lilly planner during Chapter. Plus, it teaches important life lessons about overcoming obstacles (or chocolates). As Nelson Mandela said, “It always seems impossible until it’s done.”
3. The Hunger Games
While The Hunger Games series is mainly targeted at pre-teen girls, how can we resist a story about a kick-ass super-heroine played by everyone’s favorite girl crush, Jennifer Lawrence? Like the The Hunger Games, sorority girls form alliances and are always hungry, especially after a bender. At the end of the day, I too would do anything for my little, just like Katniss.
Want to feel better about the douchebag who is driving you insane? Even Olivia Pope can’t handle hers, so how are you supposed to? After all, your d-bag drama involves the president of a fraternity, and hers deals with the President of the United States. While sorority life involves tons of backstabbing and drama, at least everyone involved doesn’t have a shady past (minus the coke and nose jobs, but those can easily be overlooked). Olivia Pope understands the importance of an enormous wine glass as the ultimate medication to recover from the evil men in her life, but all of the blacking out in the world won’t let her escape her monumental daddy issues. While her boy drama is abhorrent, she is admirable in that she never once spills red wine on her all white everything. Scandal is a more political, perfect version of Revenge, and all good sororoity girls love revenge.
5. Throwback Thursday
There’s no better way to show people how skinny you used to be. All you have to do for easy in-class distraction is post a picture of yourself as an adorable baby and watch those likes pile up on Instagram until you hit the magic number (11). It’s the perfect chance to reminisce about your old high school best friend, The Hills, or that fraternity party last weekend. After all, you’re so much more mature (and sober) this week.
6. Celebrity Self-Destruction
The best way to feel better about your recent visit to Standards that came after you poured a drink on your formal date, “accidentally” kicked him in the shins, and started crying hysterically? Watching celebrities self-destruct in droves, of course. While the shining example is Amanda Bynes, who infamously asked Drake to murder her lady parts, Miley’s jailbait performance with the poor-man’s Beetlejuice, Robin Thicke, caused quite a stir, too. I know you’ve always wanted to explain twerking to your parents at the dinner table, and MiCy made it happen for you.
7. Luke Bryan
Have you seen that boy dance? I know he’s married to his college sweetheart, but a girl can dream. I can’t help but think that Luke Bryan would make the perfect formal date. He’d be an almost perfect gentleman, make sure you wouldn’t be called to Standards, and his dance moves would be unbeatable. He was even Greek himself, so I’m sure he has tons of experience… when it comes to formals. He can crash my party anytime, if you know what I mean (I mean penetration).
8. Pretty Little Liars
The Liars are sorority girl icons because they’re loyal, conniving, and morally ambiguous. I do wish they’d download Find My Friends, because they’d be 99% less likely to be murdered. They also need to learn the importance of sisterhood, which means sticking together. For us, that means you can’t let your blackout best friend go home with her awful ex. For them, it means they should stop gallivanting alone in graveyards after midnight. If I lived in Rosewood I’d be rocking my concealed carry permit hard by now, I’d stop having top-secret conversations in public at the top of my lungs, I’d force Toby to take off his shirt to distract from his unfortunate male butterface disease, and I certainly wouldn’t be boning my seriously sketchy teacher (spoiler alert). #whoops
There’s no better place to create the wedding of your dreams, even if the only man you have in mind for the job is Ryan Gosling. As long as your boards are private, you’re golden. The best way to block out engagement announcements over the holidays is by creating the most spectacular wedding of all time — your own. It’s also the best place to catalogue pictures of adorable puppies, send surprise gift ideas to your not-boyfriend, and gather baking/dieting tips, all in one place.
Every sorority girl on this planet has had her very own Red period, and I don’t mean that in a gross way. We can make fun of her all we want, especially when she’s white girl wasted dancing at awards shows, but Red makes sense. Sure, as far as role models go Miranda Lambert is far superior, or even Carrie Underwood (ignoring The Sound of Music fiasco), but Taylor gets what it means to be young and in love, and subsequently heartbroken, crying on your bedroom floor, wrist deep in a pint of B&J. We hate her because we hate knowing we can feel that way, which makes her songs the guiltiest pleasures of all.
Image via Associated Press