Sweetheart competitions are ridiculous, but goddamn are they genius. You really have to give props to whatever perverted maniac came up with the idea. “Oh, we’ll have the girls come to us and make them wear pretty dresses and then entertain us and then we will judge them in front of everyone.” The worst part is we all oblige. We volunteer as tribute in hopes to win the approval of 100 guys we don’t know. Now, to be fair, I participated in a sweetheart competition and it was one of my favorite college memories, but I think we can all admit that the contestants can usually be predictable.
- The Frat Rat
The brothers go wild when she hits the stage. It doesn’t matter what she does, they will LOVE it. She is friends with most of the chapter, and has been more than friends with a handful of them, so she knows exactly what to do to impress them.
- The Girlfriend
She has been dating one of the brothers for over a year, so most of the chapter knows her too. She endured their bullshit from the second that he ever mentioned her and has been sharing her boyfriend with them from day one, so the least they could do is give her second place.
- The Funny Song/Poem Girl
She’s got a good shot at winning. She has enough wit to come up with killer responses on the spot and write a humorous poem, or even better, rendition of a popular song that relates to the fraternity. She may not have the best voice, but she deserves a mic drop.
- The Unwilling Pledge
Only the girls in her own chapter know who she is. No one else stepped up to do the competition, so she’s stuck up there doing a half-ass job of trying to remember the fraternity trivia. Cheer extra loud for the poor girl and be glad it’s not you.
- The Baker
“I don’t really have a talent, but I made everyone cookies.” Cue the eye roll. Did you not know what you were getting into? The guys seem to love it, and I’m sure they are a delectable cop out.
- The Campus Celebrity
She knows everyone and everyone knows her. Not only is she an outstanding member of her chapter, she’s also vice president of SGA and heavily involved in orientation. She carries herself with confidence and poise, which makes her an awesome representation of her sisters. Give her two minutes and the crowd will be just as infatuated with her as everyone else is.
- The Girl Who Can Sing
This girl opens her mouth and OH. MY. GOD. I had no idea such a big voice could come out of such a small girl. Someone get her a recording deal immediately. And I want a picture with her so I can say I knew her before she was famous.
- The Girl Who Thinks She Can Rap
Not to be confused with The Girl Who Can Sing, her performance is 10% impressive, 30% awkward dancing, and 100% uncomfortable. I’ll be hiding in the bathroom if you need me.
- The Attention Seeker
She doesn’t know any of the brothers, but does it matter? She’s only competing because she heard she would get to talk into a microphone. It’s clear that the idea of everyone looking at her doesn’t just excite her; it turns her on a little bit.
- The Laugher
Whatever this girl is on, I want some. She can NOT keep it together. She is falling all over herself, slapping her legs laughing, and can’t formulate a coherent thought. Her question round consists of starting four different sentences, but not being able to finish any of them due to her chronic hysteria.
- The Dancer
Okay, we get it. You did pom squad in high school. If The Baker is doing the least, then you are definitely doing the most. Take it down a notch. I’m concerned your excessive twerking is going to cause you to slip a disc.
- The Hot One
What did you say? I couldn’t hear you over the sound of your rockin’ bod. And how are you getting your hair to blow in the wind like that? She’s so pretty it’s annoying. She doesn’t have to do anything but show up and look gorgeous. Bitch..