I’m just going to cut to the chase. Dive right in. Skip the foreplay and get to the good stuff if you will. Sex. We all think about it. Most of us do it. But very few of us have the same preferences. While you might like doing it in bed, while making intense eye contact with your boyfriend, you friend might like getting pushed down and gagged while taking it from behind by some stranger. I don’t know. But what I do know is that there are a few basic positions in the world of s-e-x, and most of us have a favorite. Whether it’s something we all love, or something everyone else hates, here’s what your favorite says about you.
Missionary (With The Lights Off)
What It Is: Girl lays down. Guy lays on top of her. They “make love.”
Liking missionary with the lights off is basically like saying you don’t enjoy sex. At all. Or you don’t like the person you’re having sex with. Or you don’t like yourself. Yes, you’re technically “doing it.” But let’s be real. You’re sitting there pretending that he’s Chris Pratt, and he’s daydreaming about some Victoria’s Secret model and trying to last more than two minutes. Chances are you still feel sort of self-conscious about your body, or worse, you don’t like looking at his body. Neither of these will make you want to get off. But considering that missionary is your favorite, you probably don’t really care about getting there anyway. What can you say? You’re a die-hard romantic who cares more about (vom) his pleasure.
Chance Of An Orgasm: LOL. None for you, bye.
Missionary (With The Lights On)
What It Is: Girl lays down. Guy lays on top of her. They “make love” while looking into each other’s eyes and staring at their cellulite.
There’s some good stuff and some bad stuff here. The good is that at least you have the lights on. It’s a little more dangerous. A little more kinky. The bad news is, it’s still fucking in missionary. You want to seem like you enjoy a good hair pulling, but if we’re cutting the shit, you’re a romantic deep down. I know I know. You want to gaze into his eyes. You want to connect. You want to do it like they do in The Notebook. I hate to break it to you, but your life, and your clitoris, aren’t from a Nicholas Sparks novel. The sooner you realize that, the sooner you can stop thinking about what you want to watch on Netflix while he’s plowing you and actually, I don’t know. Get off?
Chance Of An Orgasm: Maybe 5 percent. Tops.
Missionary With Legs Over Shoulders
What It Is: Girl lays down. Guy lays (or kneels) over her. Instead of putting her legs down, she rests them on his shoulders.
If you want to do the lamest position the least lame way possible, you shoot for the ol’ feet up missionary trick. You like guys to think you’re a bad bitch buuuut let’s be real. You have a Pinterest wedding board with his name all over it. You enjoy sex more than say, a wet piece of cardboard, but you still like to think of it as a sensual act, instead of, you know. Fucking. On the plus side, this actually feels pretty damn good, and you get the benefit of eye contact which might trick him into saying those three little words. Win-win.
Chance Of An Orgasm: 20ish percent if you’re doing it right.
Laying Down Face Down
What It Is: Girl lays down on her stomach. Guy lays down on top of her and somehow maneuvers his penis into her.
So this is a weird one. Some people hate it because, as my boss likes to say, “you just lay on your stomach and let him do you like a corpse.” BUT some people love it because you just, well, lay on your stomach and let him do you like a corpse. If this is your favorite you’re most likely the laziest person ever. But, you don’t try to hide your lazy. You’re not going to run out to the bar just because your friends tried to guilt you. Nah. You’ll be at home, no pants, watching Netflix and ordering food so you don’t have to drive anywhere. Luckily for you, the lazy life works. Guys like you because you’re laid back and chill, and you like you because you get to do absolutely no work in the bedroom.
Chance Of An Orgasm: 10 percent. Maybe. But the fact that you don’t have to do anything makes you feel like 100.