The 20 BEST Double Standards


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Nice Move

Men seem to think they have it all and that all double standards work in their favor. Sure, they can have sex with whoever they want without judgment and we would never tell anyone do that, they make more money, and they have control of the remote, but I’m here to remind you, there are plenty of double standards working against them too. The following things are only ok when WE do it.

1. Call or text you excessively.
It’s appropriate and expected and if you don’t answer, we reserve the right to be mad. If you do it, you’re clingy. Not cute.

2. Demand to know your whereabouts.
If we do it, it’s because we’re concerned. If you do it, you’re controlling.

3. Get mad for no reason.
We’re hormonal. You’re unreasonable.

4. Read your FB messages.
Facebook stalking is in our nature, if you do it, it’s weird.

5. Read your text messages.
Well you INSIST on having girl “friends.”

6. Read your e-mail.
We just want to make sure you’re not going to extreme lengths (using your email instead of FB or text) to hide something from us. Get over it.

7. Have a secret hatred for your mother.
She’s trying to control you, so obviously we hate her. If you hate our mothers, you just have bad taste.

8. Say no to sex.
If we say no, we’re just tired or not in the mood. If you say no, I’m assuming you’re not attracted to me any more even though this is the only time you’ve EVER said no, and all hell will break loose. Plus, it’s just rude.

9. Ditch you for a last-minute girls night.
She could have had a tragic break up. Guys nights must be planned, or you’re insensitive.

10. Decide on coordinating outfits.
Your taste just isn’t as good as ours. You don’t get to decide what couple costume we wear to a mixer.

11. Point out flaws in your physical appearance.
We’re being helpful. You’re being ungrateful.

12. Talk shit about our sisters.
I’m just venting. You’re insulting my best friends.

13. Wear athletic clothing outside the gym.
Yoga pants are cute. Whatever the hell you wear is not.

14. Cry.
If you cry, just fork over your penis now.

15. Think something homemade counts as a present.
When we do it, it’s cute. When you do it, it’s cheap. I know, it’s the thought that counts, but if you’re not thinking with your wallet, you’re not thinking hard enough.

16. Drink fruity drinks.
They’re delicious, and you can’t have them.

17. Nag.
We nag you because you’ll forget if we don’t. If you nag us, you’re too demanding and we hate you.

18. Eat a salad for dinner.
I’m not trying to feel guilty on the one night I DON’T order a salad because you’re still being healthy. Be a man, order a steak.

19. Be late and keep you waiting.
It takes time to create the vision of beauty you see before you. You threw on a polo and khakis and if you keep me waiting, you obviously respect me very much.

20. Be the little spoon.
We’re littler….


Veronica (@VeronicaRuckh) is the Director of Total Sorority Move for Grandex, Inc. After having spent her undergraduate years drinking $4 double LITs on a patio and drunk texting away potential suitors, she managed to graduate with an impressive GPA and an unimpressive engagement ring -- so unimpressive, in fact, some might say it's not there at all. Veronica has since been fulfilling her duties as "America's big," a title she gave to herself with the help of her giant ego. She has recently switched from vodka to wine on weekdays. Email her at

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  1. -1
    Neds Older Brother

    “Men have broad shoulders and narrow hips, and accordingly they possess intelligence. Women have narrow shoulders and broad hips. Women ought to stay at home; the way they were created indicates this, for they have broad hips and a wide fundament to sit upon.” – Martin Luther

    ^ ThisBless your heartReply • 4 years ago
  2. -4

    I thought this was a TFM for a bit. all of them made me confused, 3 made me uncomfortable, 5 made me think some nice lesbian-on-the-side thoughts, and 13 was the oh fuckin a i’m an idiot moment.

    ^ ThisBless your heartReply • 4 years ago
  3. -5

    Hot Piece, you’re forgetting the biggest hypocrisy of them all. Women expect to be treated equally in the workplace and be paid for equal work, yet they still insist on keeping pre-Renaissance notions of courtship where, in order to win them over, guys have to do literally EVERYTHING and treat them like delicate little flowers.

    ^ ThisBless your heartReply • 4 years ago
    • 9

      HP also forgot to mention that men are able to work at capacity 100% of the time, while women have periods once a month which makes them irrational and incapable of reliable work 25% of the time. That also makes up for the pay difference.

      ^ ThisBless your heartReply • 4 years ago
    • 2

      Dammit, Hawtpiece. That’s a misleading statistic. It’s because you pop out a baby, disappear for a few months, and expect a promotion over the man who never left. Not saying you shouldn’t be a mom, but realize that’s where your “73%” figure comes from. In fact, single, never-married women earn more than their single, never-married men equivalents. Sratire would have known this.

      ^ ThisBless your heartReply • 4 years ago
    • -1
      Veronica Ruckh

      That thought occurred to me, that it might have something to do with maternity leave, but that doesn’t denote equal pay for EQUAL work. Admittedly, I don’t know much about it and I’m going off of heresay. I knew nothing about this 73% of which you speak. Also, maternity leave is only three months, so I feel like it’s still not to scale. Alsoooo also, I think men get paternity leave now which, if I’m not mistaken (and I may TOTALLY be mistaken) can go up to three weeks. I don’t know what my point is.

      ^ ThisBless your heartReply • 4 years ago
    • -4
      Veronica Ruckh

      Well, first off, courtship and the workplace are not the same thing: in exchange for having to do everything in a relaysh…guys get to do whatever they want when they’re single without fearing ramifications. I covered that.

      And equal work for equal pay doesn’t happen…which I said…but it should. If I’m going to be paid less for being a woman, then I should get to be womanly at work and throw bitch fits as I please. Which I actually do at work, but other women, I hear, can not.

      ^ ThisBless your heartReply • 4 years ago
    • -7

      Who gives a fuck? Half of these aren’t accurate anyway. If a girl who I was dating demanded to know where I was every 5 minutes I would either kick her to the curb or just ignore her till she learned to not be an insecure bitch. Reading texts and emails is even worse. As for the rest, I’m more than happy to let you ladies drink all the fruity drinks you please and create as much imaginary drama as you want if it makes you feel like your life is actually interesting. As long as I don’t have to be involved. I mean, do you really want to be the little spoon that badly?

      ^ ThisBless your heartReply • 4 years ago
    • -11

      Hot Piece, I am fully aware of the fact that the workplace and courtship are two completely different social environments. I’m just giving evidence for the case that the underlying male-female social dynamic is inherently hypocritical for allowing the aforementioned to exist at the same time. Since social dynamics are generally understood to be influenced primarily by women’s tastes (y’all said it yourself with that article on new slang words!), I am within reason to illuminate the hypocrisy in your request for equal pay while still receiving all those relationship benefits. And by the way, speaking of relationships, guys who actually have morals (i.e. guys whom you should be seeking if you’re not already) can’t and don’t do whatever they want, so what are you saying there?

      ^ ThisBless your heartReply • 4 years ago
    • -6

      ^ This man is the greatest of the post-modern generations. With not sarcasm in this post I can say that when people from the future look at our old non-integrated computers they will come across posts from The Chillis Guy and they will learn and understand so much.

      ^ ThisBless your heartReply • 4 years ago

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