As the season of giving rolls around, everyone evaluates their behavior throughout the past year. For those of us who ride through the year on a judgmental high horse, this is the holy grail. Thank God there is no “Elf on the Shelf” in my home, because he would be mortified. This time of judgment isn’t just reserved for commoners, however. Oh, no. Santa’s got his eyes on everyone — even Hollywood’s elite, which is I am releasing the 2013 Naughty and Nice list. Just so we’re clear, here’s some of the criteria.
Naughty: Sex scandal, rehab, letting down teenage girls around the world, making America look bad. This list also includes anyone who is just THE WORST.
Nice: Still rocking in their given line of work, or still rocking an attractive significant other. Anyone on this list is the bomb.com and we’d be #blessed to be within 200 feet of their angelic glows.
Drumroll please. Here we go.
The Naughty List
Miley Cyrus: Do I even need to explain this one? She’s running the hot mess express, except she’s not even hot anymore. Damn it, she killed Hannah Montana. There’s a fine line between the funny “Omg my life is a joke” and actually being a joke. MC twerked right across it.
James Franco: Sorry. I used to love you. If anyone is curious about why he is on the naughty list this year, just google “James Franco in Spring Breakers.” He looks like a cracked-out mobster and it’s terrifying. He’s a kook in this movie. I hate it a lot and everyone else should too.
Kimye: Some people just shouldn’t reproduce. Kim Kardashian and Kanye West are two of them. I feel sorry for that child.
Lamar Odom: Khloe is too good for you. Your tracksuits are foul. Also, just because you are a semi-highly paid athlete doesn’t mean your daughter is allowed to say “I didn’t want it to happen anyways. I have him all to myself,” about your marriage. She seems like kind of a brat, so bad parenting Odey babe.
Justin Bieber: You are a downward spiral of awfulness. I totally used to rock out to you, but now I am appalled by the shit you’re up to. Between the graffiti in Brazil, the reckless driving, the disrespect to Anne Frank, and the weed, it’s no wonder Eminiemn “reached out to help you.” If Slim Shady is offering you a helping hand, it might be time to reevaluate your life choices.
Aaron Hernandez: You are a terrifying person. Did you or did you not kill several people who were vaguely related to you? Hard to say. Prison also makes you less hot.
The Nice List
Jennifer Lawrence: Defying negative stereotypes, embracing her curviness and being hot AF are just a few things she’s been up to.
Lea Michele: The feeling of losing someone you love is the absolute most painful thing in the entire world. She has been strong, gorgeous, and hasn’t done anything even close to an embarrassing sex scandal. You rock Lea.
Beyonce: She managed to keep an ENTIRE self-titled album a complete secret and make history with her every step, all while married to Jay-Z. Also, she was dancing on roller skates looking like a pro. She’s one of the baddest bitches OF ALL TIME.
Luke Bryan: He’s every country-loving lady’s dream. He cleaned up at the ACAs, has a hot wife and an even hotter bod. He literally sings a song about sorority girls. Sorry boys, he wins every time.
Prince George: Ahh, precious, little cherub, you have the literal most perfect mother in the world. You’re a shoo-in for the nice list for life.
Even though there are countless celebs that deserve coal in their 24-karat gold-lined stockings, there are worse things in the world (such as assless chaps, overzealous bar bouncers, the whole state of California, and lower back tattoos). Regardless, Hollywood, we thank you for your scandals, allowing us to sit back, drink some eggnog, and judge each and every one of you as if we were St. Nick ourselves.