Sex is weird. You take two (or more) people, take off your clothes, and do things you’re not supposed to talk about. It’s the one time you can let your hair and your inhibitions down and break all of the rules. Except, ehhhh I’m going to call bullshit on that. While yes, you can call your girlfriend a slut in the bedroom, there actually are some rules you need to adhere to. The kind folks of Reddit decided to map out the rules of sex. And for once? It’s actually pretty spot on.
From Reddit (with sepcial commentary from yours truely):
- “If it’s a one-night stand, and she says you don’t have to wear a condom, you should definitely wear a condom.”
And if he asks to not wear a condom, steal his Netflix password and leave before penetration.
- “If you can’t think of anything sexy to say, don’t say anything at all / just make noises appropriate to your enjoyment level.”
Leave the dirty talk to the porn and the pros.
- “If you’re going to suck a vibrator seductively, turn the fucking thing off first. If your girlfriend cracks a tooth on a vibrator, don’t laugh!”
Well yeah. That’s just like Sex 101.
- “Ladies, when you’re on top don’t go so crazy that you start catching air. Nothing is a quicker boner-killer than being afraid you might snap it.”
But how else are we supposed to get our cardio in? Go to the gym? Lol.
- “If you recently ate spicy foods, wash your hands! I’ve found that ladies do not appreciate a surprise spicy vagina.”
Nothing worse than a spicy lady taco.
- “If it slips out the one on top puts it back in.”
This could save us all a lot of rock-paper-scissor fumbling.
- “Never make fun of someone’s orgasm face.”
Sure it looks like he’s dying while also waking up on Christmas morning, but just remember how much you like him and don’t mention how dumb he looks.
- “If he or she has trouble finishing, don’t just stop attempting to get them there. And don’t rush them. I should add this: know your partner’s limits, stop if it’s obviously not going to happen, and don’t shame them if it doesn’t happen. And do stop when things start peeling or bleeding though.”
You know what they say, “if there’s blood, they probably won’t come.”
- “When giving a handy my ex would always say “ugh, are you almost there?” instant buzzkill.”
We just want an ETA, okay?
- “Woman: Don’t stop!
Man: *changes pace and speeds up*
WHY. Just, WHY?!?!?! Orgasm gone.”
This is the downfall of literally every female who has ever walked on this planet.
- “If you want your asshole rimmed you should seriously consider an enema and a shower then a dry pat down with a clean linen followed by a wet wipe followed by another rinse and pat down. Make that dirty hole clean enough to lick and I will lick as long as you want. If you just want it licked and have 9 hours of desk chair farts built up you need to rethink how you ask me.”
- “Don’t go ass to vagina. Infections yo.”
Or just don’t go ass at all — whatever.
- “Always pee after sex.”
Pretty much how all of our mothers found out we were doing it in high school. Thanks a lot, UTI.
- “Don’t fart while receiving oral.”
That’s one way to never receive oral again.
- “Reciprocate oral.”
Unless he goes down on you. Then just like, fall asleep or die before doing it back.
- “Use a contraceptive. Unless you want to have a baby.”
And no. You and that 21-year-old frat guy aren’t ready to be parents even though you’ve been dating for six months and you’re ~almost~ in love.
- “Brush your teeth and take a fragrance-free wet-wipe to yourself beforehand.”
Everyone will thank you for this. You’ll thank you for this.
- “Never assume it’s safe to cum inside her.”
Get it as far away from her baby maker as possible.
- “Also, never assume it’s safe to cum on her. Some girls love being cumed on, others hate it.”
Yeah, some of us just don’t adore being doused in body fluids and therefore being unable to move without having the sticky, snotty discharge dripping all over your body and floor.
- “Keep your fingernails trimmed and soften the edges fellas.”
Accidently cutting the inside of her vagina? Instant lady boner.
- “If she says “don’t stop” do not reply with “Believing!” It will be very funny but it will kill the mood.”
Seriously, just hold onto to that feeling, okay?
Some rules are meant to not be broken, ya know?.
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